Monthly Archive for January, 2010

The Priorities of Travel

Not every spot is magical for everyone. Sometimes you get somewhere, look around, and think, ‘Hey, this place is a squalid rat hole. I’d really rather be in the Netherlands.’ And that’s OK.
—Seth Stevenson for Slate magazine

The Jan Shatabdi Express to Aurangabad coasted out of Bombay, through hills and mangrove swamps, then sugar plantations. As the sunlight deepened to gold and then red the train passed up into the wet nooks of the Deccan, a green country of sparse fields, scattered trees, snug cottages of clay and thatch, and solitary plateaus, conical or in strange shapes, of a rich brown color, as if the earth had been overturned. We stopped in stations, sometimes for twenty minutes, and bartered through the window for bananas or sesame treats while the Sacred Cows wandered around the platforms.

Tom and I had seats, and many Indians stood in the aisles or around the open doors, looking out on the landscape of their country. They talked to us with interest about their jobs and families, about Indian conservation efforts and the falling water table, and they bobbled their heads at us, a sort of side-to-side movement that translates as a subdued affirmation, between a nod and a shrug of the shoulders. Tom was looking for ashrams to study yoga for a week or two. It was one of the reasons he came to India, and he told me about meditation: “You don’t think about the past or the future, your problems, or money. Focus on breathing, on here and now.”

Arriving late, we had enough to worry us in the here and now. It was pitch black outside the few crowded circles of lantern light, where Indians huddled eating idli and drinking chai, and the stream of headlights like ray beams in the dust, leading a thousand tuk-tuks and a hundred half-ton trucks through that transit hub. We followed the road north, asking for directions from the Indians we passed, who had either never heard of the Youth Hostel or bobbled their heads and pointed us onward, but we got concerned that we had missed it.

A Marathi stopped his scooter next to us and told us to get on. “I don’t think it’s going to work,” we said, we being two men a head taller than most Indians with bags to match. The Marathi rider insisted, so we got into a very uncomfortable position and started driving. We noticed that we were almost back at the train station and told the Marathi, “Here! Here!” and thanked him—alas for good intentions!—and hailed a tuk-tuk.

The tuk-tuk, or auto-rickshaw, is a uniquely Asian contraption, something like a lawnmower engine with a metal bucket on top. Both sides of the bucket are open, and the front has a blurry little windshield. Stretched canvas covers the top. Inside, there is a bench that can fit two and usually fits three, and the driver sits just in front of that on a little chair and steers the tuk-tuk with a set of handlebars like those of a moped. The meter is attached to a pole next to the helm, but it is unplugged and broken.

Tom and I rode in one of these up near an intersection, just past where the Marathi mopedist picked us up, and went through a gate to the derelict Youth Hostel. The famous manager, Miss Freeda, was gone, it was so late, and the Indian nightwatchman told us, “Lock doors, ten o’clock. Passport photocopy. Photocopy! No English!” I spoke really quickly to confuse him, then we dropped our bags in our rooms and ran off down the street to get some take-away from a restaurant where a fat boy shook our hands and asked us to be his Facebook friends.

We ate the food upstairs in the long, hollow male dorm room, full of beds on rickety metal frames with mosquito nets hung from the top. I had a tin full of chicken fried rice but no utensils. The Indians eat with their right hands, even rice, which they mix with their curry dishes and throw around their plate, forming a ball that they throw in their mouth. The food was too hot for that, and I was hungry, so I used a lemon peel to scoop it out.

Aurangabad had that pungent odor of engine exhaust, rotten fruit, and stale urine common to much of India. (Everyone who writes of the jungle country mentions its filth, and now I’ve got it out of the way.)

Indians differ in their concept of lewdness, so that spitting phlegm or defecating are common in the street, and belching and ruder flatulence in the restaurant, where the waiter comes to your table, drinks from your water pitcher, and leaves without a word. They are not rude, just unimpeded by decorum. There are too many people, and it is too hot, to worry about offending someone by looking over a stranger’s shoulder to read something in his hand. Mark this not as a complaint, O Reader. This is just how India is, and it’s no wonder that the wild, raw character of the country has liberated so many pilgrims of their ambitions, their class, and their discomforts.

The streets seemed even more crowded, dirty, dusty, and noisy in the morning, full of small honking vehicles. As in most Indian places, tuk-tuks were as common and as crazily insistent in its scavenger movements as the fly. The buckets on wheels careen into spaces not nearly big enough for them, and slip through the fingers of bigger cars with an instinctive alacrity, a feel for the chaos of Indian streets. “Hey!” the driver shouts to the passing tourist, as he coasts alongside or screeches to a halt in the middle of the road the tourist is crossing, “Where you go? Station?”

We walked up to the bus station and bought bananas and water on the way for our trip to the cave-temples of Ellora, which was the reason we came to Aurangabad. On the way the bus passed Daulatabad, the City of Fortune that the Emperor Aurangzeb built for his capital. He marched his court there 4,000 miles from Delhi, only to find he did not like it as much as he thought and march back, and his indecision brought down the empire. The citadel capped a huge hill, and the only path up went through a pitch black cave that screeched with bats. Black walls and temples, crumbling and overgrown by the enduring forest, surrounded the base of the hill, and the new road passed through one massive gate to get through the complex.

Ellora offered similar sights. From the parking lot full of monkeys, as much a novelty as camels were when I first came to Arabia, we entered the park that traced a mountainside from north to south. To the west, the sheer path looked over green basins of dirty water and across the palm plantations of the long, flat Deccan. The Jain, Hindu, and Buddhist shrines were carved from or into the rock face on the eastern side of the pat: temples and courts and congregations of gods, carved from single stones, entire freestanding shrines and life-sized statues of elephants; walls, bannisters, and columns, intricately carved with a profusion of pagan symbolism, gods dancing and murdering and meditating. We became familiar with Jain Lord Mahavira, meditating in his lotus position, and with Buddha preaching with his fingers forming an Om, and with Shiva the Destroyer, sharp-toothed and murderous, clutching swords and bodies in his four hands and standing on a mountain of skulls.

The greatest monument was the temple twice the size of the Parthenon built by Ashoka the Great—out of a single stone! A massive complex, multi-storied, with more shrines on the roof, and more in the colonnade built out of the rock face. The entire mountain was shaved away around it.

Tom and I were very impressed, but the groups of Marathi students found the two White People with cameras so much more fascinating. The boys in pink polo shirts, the girls in dresses of brown and blue, they mobbed us at the entrance to the temple and held out their hands in a crowd as if we were celebrities or holy men, until a teacher came up behind them and slapped a few skulls and told us, “Sorry, sorry.” Inside, they cheered when they saw us and waved to us from across the compound. They clumped together in the shadow of the stupa just outside Shiva’s main shrine for photos to be taken and sat next to us and took a few themselves.

This preoccupation was not limited to the young. Adults who were strangers asked us, “One photo please?” and snapped a shot with us overlooking the temple courtyard. Some even wanted photos on our cameras, just to pose, I guess. They asked us our names and shook our hands. For the rest of our time there, we would hear Indians shout out, “Jon!” and, “Thomas!” from all over the park, and look up to see them waving as if it were a miracle to run into friends like us.

We wondered at it with a skinny, scanty-haired Swede who was working in Oslo and who, like most Scandinavians, had enough money to do whatever he wanted but handled his money in such a careless, generous way that they never seem pretentious in the slightest. He had hired a driver for the day, for $10, and drove us back into Aurangabad.

Miss Freeda, the smiling Indian matron who ran the Youth Hostel, on our return cleared up any confusion that the watchman had left with us the night before. In that metallic manager’s office we met an Israeli girl named Gabriella, short and freckled with curly black hair, and I asked her to join us for dinner. Tom and I were attracted to the place that the Bible said had pizza and ice cream, but Gabriella told us, “I went to a local place for breakfast. It was really good. I prefer simple Indian food.”

The Wandering Jewess spoke English fine, but it was obvious by her simple sentences that Hebrew was her first language and from the way she carried herself that she had been traveling a long time. She was one of those travelers who starts off conversations with the rude convenience of, “Do you speak English?” that I always found so obscene that I scrunched up my face when I heard it. We walked up with her to a pharmacy near the bus station, and then back to the diner, set in a four-story building owned by an Emirati landlord, which was eight years old and looked, with its crumbling walls and faded paint, like it had been built in the 1960s and poorly maintained since then.

The Hyderabad Darshan was in a sort of massive gutter that ran along under the building, below the street level, beneath a liquor store and an internet cafe and just next to the chai shop where the owner got his tea. A few tables inside, a few outside the nook of the restaurant, the walls decorated with pagan icons, and across the gutter’s narrow but busy thoroughfare, the kitchen, dhal soup boiling on a gas stove, a haggard chef chopping peppers, a woman rolling chapatis in the back room. The three of us took an empty table and ordered masala dhosas that were the best we’d had, and chai from next door.

Happily fed on the good, simple fare she had promised, Gabriella told us she was living like a hippie by taking public buses and by staying and eating at the cheapest places. “Well,” I said, “I’ve been living like a hippie for a year, then.” She was going to Madhya Pradesh, the barren country of central India where few travelers went—and to her, that was its appeal. “It’s not the first time I’ve traveled alone,” she said, “but it’s the first time I’ve tried to be alone.”

She got all the usual hassle that Western women receive from Indian men—the stare downs, the prodding feet on the bus, the requests for kisses or money or an email address, and the indiscreet photographers, the pick-up lines, so flawed and so self-assured, that come whether a man is around or not. “They’re like mosquitoes,” she said, “They’ll still come, whether you spray deet or not.”

We walked back to the Hostel. In the male dorm there was a new lodger, one of those glad highlanders of Scotland, witty and good-natured and light-hearted, too few and far between on the road, Mike of Glasgow. He was a rocker in Scotland’s rock-and-roll capital who had taken three weeks off university to travel South India, and now he had a cotton shirt and Ali Baba pants and a beard he had not seen until that afternoon. “Where I was staying in Hampi,” he said, “there weren’t any mirrors. I got here and, whoa, I have a beard.” He told us about the “loveliest” people in Hampi and Gokarne, and mentioned some salty expats he had met.

“British?” I said. Mike confirmed it, and Tom asked, “How did you know that.” I said, “Ah, British expats are the worst. They just go to the darkest corners of the world and drink themselves into a stupor, and then berate everyone around and make awkward sexual comments and complain about the most inane, racist things.”

Mike laughed and said, “It’s true, but if you lived in Britain, you’d understand why.”

Back home Mike played in a band and knew some people who had made it big in America. Tom told him, “One of the things I want to do here in India is learn to play guitar. I need to find one. I figure I’ll go back knowing a few chords, maybe play a few songs.”

“Hang on,” said Mike, and he rushed back to the far end of the dorm room to his piled things and came back with a guitar. “I bought this used back in Glasgow for forty quid. She’s not great, but she plays alright. Good for learning,” he said, and he handed the guitar over to Tom, who had that incredulous, delighted look of the recipients of unexpected charity. The Scotsman flew back to Glasgow in three days, and, “I’d just been plannin’ on giving it to a cabbie.”

He drew some of the chords on a piece of paper and showed Tom some basics. “This is great,” said Tom, “Everything on this trip is just working out.” It usually does, Reader!

Ellora is the first of Maharashtra’s must-see attractions, and Ajunta is the second. I went with a large group composed of Tom, Mike of Glasgow, the Jewess Gabriella, the two London girls Emma and Frankie, and myself, to the bus station and bought some water and a weird, sweet fruit called the chikku that I initially mistook for a small potato.

Getting to Ajunta that day, a four-day holiday weekend in India for Republic Day, was a crowded, complicated effort and difficult to describe. On the packed public bus, with benches instead of seats and crowds in the aisle, I sat next to Emma. She was some sort of sustainable architect, studying how to built refugee shelters out of recyclable cardboard boxes and plastics—resources that, to my knowledge, the world’s abandoned already employ.

Our bus ended at some place called the T-Junction, where we paid seven rupees to walk from the bus stop through a covered market of tourist shops so we could line up for the “pollution free” buses that ran the last four kilometers to the caves. This was complicated by huge lines of Indian vacationers and Thai pilgrims, by the shouting matches begun by those who tried to skip these lines, by the howling of the touts with their handfuls of geodes and alabaster elephants, by trees full of glaring monkeys, by the heat of the day, and by a more general feeling of thirst and exhaustion. Travel wears you out, especially in India, where every day is a dirty, pushy, unpleasant, disillusioning kind of adventure. It’s no wonder so many backpackers stop and stay in nice, quiet places like Goa, Gokarne, or Hampi, or seek the tranquility of an ashram.

Finally, we got into the aisle of one of the environmentally friendly buses that are the only vehicles allowed near Ajunta’s sensitive caves. The only thing green about these buses was the paint, unless the black smog pouring out the exhaust was, as we supposed, magic anti-pollution dust.

The cave temples of Ajunta lie carved from a horseshoe-shaped cliff. A river runs past the bottom, a thirsty gray one that waits for the monsoon to fill its huge course, and separates the cliff from a high grassy ridge with a wooden stupa on the top. Buddhist monks carved their caves directly into the cliff face, which is marked by the trail that connects the porches and colonnades of the temple porticos. Inside, the rock-hewn rooms were either long, arched halls with the dimensions of a cathedral and a spherical stupa at the end, or wide monastery chambers with a Buddha seated in a recess at the back, and they differed from the ones at Ellora in the preservation of the wall paintings.

The painted murals depicted scenes from Buddha’s life that made no sense to me, other than as a menagerie of decadent princes and mystical animals. Siddhartha, the story goes, was the son of a Brahmin who wanted more (or less) out of life than wealth and pleasure, and so he traveled and lived as a poor man. His parents did not approve. They plied him with gifts of gold and betrothals, including a beautiful black princess who was particularly enamored by the future Buddha, but Siddhartha turned them down and pursued enlightenment. He canceled the marriage to the black princess, whose grieved expression appeared in many of the paintings.

There were many Thai tourists at Ajunta, and some prayed and prostrated themselves before the statues. Monks in orange robes guided them in prayer. Out on the stone path between the meditative chambers of the monasteries, a rush of coolies bore fat Thai tourists on palanquins, shouting for people to get out of their way. We left the temples close to sunset back to the parking lot to join the huge line of tourists waiting to get on a green bus. A man started running up and down the line screaming, “Single file! Caro!” which means, “Do it!” Tom took up the mantra, and some Indian men behind us started cracking up and saying it, too.

Vendors from the market chased us all the way out to the road, hands full of jewelry and rocks. The hills were pink with the remnants of the sunset, and the waxing moon was out and turned up like a bowl, facing a different direction in India than it does back home. Here Gabriella left us, heading north, while we tried to find a way back to Aurungabad. I haggled for a long time with a jeep driver while we waited for the bus and finally got the price down to $2 a person, but after we had sat in the car for a few minutes, the driver told us to get out, having conferred with some other jeepsters. We were advised to go to the bus station a mile away and started walking.

A man in a tuk-tuk drove alongside us, shouting prices that reduced as steadily as our march. He would not be turned away, and sometimes he veered his little rickshaw right in front of us and stopped it so we had to walk around, with him screaming and honking there in the road. Finally he got to 20 rupees, and Tom said, “Alright guys, we don’t know where this place is. I’m willing to pay the fifty cents or whatever for a taxi.” It is a peculiarity of travel that things seem expensive in a relative way. A beer for $1.50 would seem a bargain back home, but in India, where you sometimes pay that much for accommodation, where you can buy a new shirt for $2, where you can travel 5000 miles for $10, $1.50 seems like an extortionist price for a drink.

The five of us disentangled ourselves from the tuk-tuk into a crowded place on the road and shoved our way onto the next bus to come. I was standing in the aisle, not held up so much from my legs as from the press of people around me, and all the bench seats held two or three people.

Back in Aurungabad, starving in the dark, we got a tuk-tuk to a place called Swad Restaurant. All the tables were set for thali, with a segmented metal plate and small dishes on it. “Tuk-tuk is all you can eat?” I asked the boss, “More will come? It’s not finish?” and finally he said, “Unlimited.” The thali is a wonderful thing, and only sometimes unlimited. Each dish contains a different curry sauce, and set on the plate are chapatis, rice, salad, and chutney. A servant comes around and, as each of these items are consumed, refills the stock.

I struggled with my desire to see Daulatabad the next morning. Over the ramparts of Aurangzeb’s City of Fortune my tourist mandate to See the Sights warred with my traveler’s desire to see something real, something not on any map—“true places never are”—and outside the norm.

Miss Freeda proved to be a zealous authoritarian. “You will leave today?” she asked primly at around eleven, “You know check-out is at ten. And what time will you be leaving soon?”

The train to Mumbai left that night after 11, and we put our packed bags downstairs in the common room. Some workers (Miss Freeda called them Outsiders in the same way a terrified American would say Arabs or Joseph Conrad says Others) were clearing away the tables and rolling out mats, and on the porch a young karate club practiced their techniques. Tom told her we wanted to stay for the demonstration. So we sat on the cement wall around the porch, Tom testing his new guitar, me reading War & Peace, and the kids in white robes perfected moves or did aerobics. The air sounded like chattering children, shuffling feet, newly discovered guitar chords, a constant cacophany of car horns, and the drills and hammering of India’s progress.

The karate kids scooted up slowly, and we started sharing hand tricks—fart noises, whistles, and finger snaps—and then the disciples started doing things we could not, jumping around with spinning legs and holding their heels up level with their foreheads and sliding our their feet into splits on the concrete. They staged an impressive demonstration where an adorable brown girl with a clip in her short hair and a red dot between her eyes, confronted by four attackers, also in fifth grade, dropped her purse and dealt with them in short, violent order. The little girl retrieved her purse and left her assailants lying on the ground, one of them in real pain, and she smiled and skipped away.

Then Tom got out his Nikon, and all the Marathi warriors wanted a photo. An older girl kept them in line with slaps and smacks, and we took photos and shook hands and exchanged names for a long while. We left after the practice, always better than the pompous show, and went back to the Hyderabad Darshan that Gabriella had showed us. We ordered a spicy bulgur dish called sakudana khuchdi and uttappa, a sort of greasy pancake with onions and parsley, and ate with chai from next door. The owner fried our uttappa and then sat down and talked to us. Jitendra had slicked back hair, a gold watch, a tight red shirt, and a weary but self-sure look about him. He fasted on Thursday now that he followed Ganesha.

Tom said we wanted to go to the market, and Jitendra took us there in a tuk-tuk at Indian prices, rather than what they charged tourists. He stopped first at his other restaurant that his brother ran for him, then off into the busy, dirty streets, full of tuk-tuks and pushcarts and madness. Jitendra’s haggling tips: Offer a quarter of the asking price at the start, walk away, offer something a little more, then hold out your offer and say, “Take it, take it!” “If he want to sell, and you give him twenty rupees,” said Jitendra, “he will sell.”

Tom and I got our bags from the Hostel and brought the London girls with us to the Darshan for dinner. I combed my beard with the flip-out comb I’d bought, and Tom sowed an India flag onto his bag with the skill of a true nurse. We kept on sitting there for a while, Tom playing his guitar and me fiddling with notebooks, and when it was closing he called us inside. The three of us sat around a table in the back. One of his cooks brought in hot peanuts wrapped in newspaper, a small bottle of Magic Moments vodka, and three cigarettes, one with cloves in it, for the master, and then the three employees sat eating and laughing around another table.

“They work all day,” Jitendr remarked, “and now this is their time. See them joking each other?” He told us that the three slept on the floor of the Darshan and pointed out their bedrolls behind a chair. They had no expenses or wives and sent their pay home to their parents. “I have ten families,” said Jitendr proudly, and he told us that his wife and children, his mother across town, his father in Hyderabad, his brother and nephews at the other restaurant and their families, and his employees and theirs all depended on his patronage.

He seemed happy to take care of us, as well, that godfather of Aurangabad. He told us about Hyderabad, and if we went there, his friend would help us. When we had to leave, he gave us bottles of water and rode with us in the tuk-tuk to the train station. On the way Jitendr pointed out the quiet neighborhood close to the station, the one we walked through on our first night in town, which was “very dangerous. Robbers here at night. They call their friends and get together in big group. It is safe to walk, but not with any wallet or things.”

The night felt warm and lively, not dangerous at all. “It’s a magic moment,” cried Jitendr, “Everything is a magic moment now!” He found our platform and hugged us goodbye, lingering like a father might, looking for things to concern him. “Go home to your wife,” I said (he was hoping to get lucky), and then he left.

“This was a perfect day,” said Tom as we walked down the platform, “Just hanging out, meeting people. I don’t know, I like this better than just sight-seeing.”

The train was running late, so we sat down under a stairway on the platform. A great crowd of two dozen Marathi gathered around us when Tom got out his guitar to practice the chords Mike had written down for him. We tried to explain that he was learning, but no one understood. They pointed, chattering, and must have thought he was warming up. “Can you play this by Michael Jackson?” asked an Indian. Tom cried, “No! I can play E!” Eventually the crowd figured it out and went to look at a Korean who had brought out his camera.

Back in Bombay, I exited the Victoria Terminus feeling at home. The day was still cool, and I felt fresh from the night train. Some costumed dancers performed in the parking lot, for the benefit of a visiting dignitary. Tom and I didn’t know it at the time, but these were the only Republic Day festivities we would see on that auspicious day. The military parades and screaming hordes would go on for hours in Delhi, but in Bombay they ended before 10 in the morning. We walked past the performance into the crowd of taxi drivers who shouted prices and negotiated our way to Colaba. The driver said he had not enough change for us, but after I started asking street stalls for change, he pulled the right amount out of his shirt pocket.

The day was another slow, pleasant one. We checked back into the notorious Red Shield, met some people, and conscripted them into a trip to the park. There was Sebastian the Swede, Adam of London, Tamara of the Black Forest, and Lola, a Moroccan Jew from Montreal, who led us to a botanical garden she had found. We laid out Salvation Army sheets on the grass, and Adam and Tamara took turns on Tom’s guitar. Adam played a few Radiohead songs but forgot some of the words. “I haven’t played in a few weeks. It’s amazing how easily it falls out of your head,” he said.

Tamara played a song about a breakup in harsh German by her Frieburg band, the Play Money Millionaires. “Playing guitar and singing isn’t easy,” said Adam. “I know it’s cliched to say, but you really have to feel the song. You have to know the words an let them come out, to concentrate on the rhythm and the chords, and the words and the tone. It’s too much.”

The two musicians gave Tom some instruction on his instrument and spent plenty of time demonstrating its uses, for Tom and the whole of Bombay. By ones and twos, a big crowd of Indians gathered around to watch, until we were entirely surrounded. They stared and took photos or lay on their backs and listened. Some children came up and introduced themselves. We ate a Bombayan mix of rice cracker and spices called bhelpuri and chatted.

Just outside the Red Shield, a man backed up his car and almost ran us over, then he leaned out the window and said, “Hey, you want to be in a Bollywood movie?” Bollywood directors commonly picked up foreigners to appear as extras in shows, movies, and commercials, because the White people about Colaba will will wear less modest clothing and will—and please, Reader, savor the irony of this—they will work on a movie set for longer hours and less money than the locals! The novelty of the job is enough for travelers. Indian actors are up in arms over it. Their jobs are being stolen by cheap foreign labor!

Most projects pay 500 rupees for a twelve hour shift, but this driver called Tamara over and told her that he needed someone like her, a foreign girl with a pierced lip, for two days, and he would pay her 10,000 rupees—that’s $200! “Yah, it’s so unfair,” she said. She was ready to leave Mumbai, and would, eventually, decide to turn the money down.

Later that evening, the same group as before walked up the promenade known as the Queen’s Necklace for all its lights, and watched cricket on the way to Chowpatty Beach. We got ice cream and Indian khufi, bought at least a dozen ice cream bars for begging children, and sat among the twilit crowd on the sand looking down on the toxic water of the bay.

Tom was annoyed by the chai sellers who all stopped and lingered at our group shouting, “Chai! Chai! Chai!” One of them mistook a confused look from one of us for an order and squatted down still shouting his mantra and waving his little kettle in our faces. Tom offered the man his water bottle and kept repeating, “Water? Water? Water?” The Indian jerked his head around, the way a bird does when confused, and endured silently this treatment longer than most people would, then finally he stood up and walked away. Behind him, a little Hindu couple cuddling on a blanket were gasping with laughter.

The Gateway of India

Far away,
This ship is taking me far away,
Far away from the memories
Of the people who care if I live or die.

Starlight,
I will be chasing the starlight,
Until the end of my life;
I don’t know if it’s worth it anymore.

—Muse

Bored of the monotony of the Middle East, of the slow transitions that characterized my overland journey, changes as subtle as colors on a spectrum, I found myself needing a sudden shift; and so, having traveled an indirect route from the Thames and Fleet to the Nile’s Second Cataract, from highland moors to snowy mountains, from Scythian steppe to seas of sand, by bus and train and the power of my thumb, I flew out of Amman and across the holy desolation ruled by the House of Saud to those seven wealthy kingdoms by the sea.

Indians and Filipinos manned the great way-station of Sharjah, conscripted from the provinces of the Empire of the Buck. Emirati men in long robes and turbans, laptops slung across their slim shoulders, shuffled between the terminals, and Emirati women spooned food court fare under their veils with a deft hand, a wide-eyed babe held in the other. Their minarets were oil towers and glass skyscrapers. Outside the windows of the station spread a panorama of brown earth, short green trees, the layered sky of sunset—I had lost two hours midair—and the finned vehicles of my escape.

I had nothing in my stomach but a small feta pizza and a slug of whisky. I carried a courier bag with my valuables and electronics in it, and the haversack I bought in Varna, now splitting at its seams, contained naught but clothes, shampoo, band-aids, sowing needles, and a copy of War & Peace, things no sane thief would steal. The passengers ready to board the plane to Bombay were split evenly between Indian businessmen in leather shoes and Ukrainian Krishnas in colorful sarongs, with yellow lines running down their foreheads to arrows on their noses. The Indians could not keep their eyes off the strange pilgrims of that Berkeley-born order, and the Hare Krishnas told me they worshiped a God of Love. I pulled out the Indian guide book I bought in Israel, my Bible for the next three months, and started reading.

I lusted for India, for its sweltering culture and spicy cuisine. The continent represents a fifth of the human race, 1.3 billion people. Travelers spoke of it in whispered tones. India, that backpacker’s heaven—diverse, difficult, cheap, with good food and plentiful weed—and all of them say, “It is chaos. Nothing can prepare you for it. You will love it.” India, an impossible nation, a country of greatness, of powerful faith and violence, of colorful history and myriad cultures; a work in progress, with the most staggering divide of wealth and poverty on the planet—“a nation often beset by famine and frustration, struggling towards modernity and industrial power through the burden of her multiplicity of peoples, cultures, tongues, and religions,” as Dominique Lapierre and Larry Collins call it in the introduction of Freedom at Midnight.

The careful, colorful prologue of that book drew me to begin in Bombay, at the Gateway of India, “the rude arch of yellow basalt” erected for the King-Emperor George V on his visit to the crown jewel of the British Empire in 1911, the threshold of so many foreign adventurers:

“A strange world mingles there in the shadows cast by its soaring span: snake charmers and fortune tellers, beggars and tourists, dishevelled hippies lost in a torpor of sloth and drug, the destitute and dying of a cluttered metropolis. . . Once, that vaulting Gateway of India was the Arch of Triumph of the greatest empire the world has ever known. To generations of Britons, its massive form was the first glimpse, caught from a steamer’s deck, of the storied shores for which they had abandoned their Midlands villages and Scottish hills. Soldiers and adventurers, businessmen and administrators, they had passed through its portals, come to keep the Pax Britannica in the empire’s proudest possession. . .

“All that seems so distant today. Today, the Gateway of India is just another pile of stone, at one with Nineveh and Tyre, a forgotten monument to an era that ended in its shadows half a century ago.”

Bombay survived Independence, the largest city in India, the capital of Bollywood, and the center of India’s youthful modernity. The megalopolis is the vivid crater of an explosion of growth, a cesspit and a pinnacle of humanity, for beneath the crystal skylines and the imperial monuments and the misery of the slums, the seven swampy islands that formed Bom Bahai are connected by an infill of garbage. They call it Mumbai now that the Hindu Marathi faction, Shivaji’s Army, has taken control and rededicated the city to the ancient Kingdom of Maharashtra. The landmarks of the Raj and of India’s cultural plurality remain, and though the new rulers have changed the names, everyone knows that Chhatrapati Shivaji (meaning Shivaji, King of the Universe), the busiest train station in Asia, is the Victoria Terminus.

I arrived at that station at the end of the line in Bombay, a year after setting out from home and with two blank pages left in my passport. The massive colonial structure was built in an Indo-Saracenic style that combined Hindu and Middle-Eastern designs in a mass of towers arrayed about a huge dome. Crests throughout showed elephants, boats, trains, and crosses, and the gates opened onto the imperial neighborhoods and polo maidans of the peninsular crab claw at Bombay’s southern end, the center of its metropolis. Arrayed around the toxic bay enclosed by that pincer of land are the oldest bazaars and markets, the University, the neighborhoods of Colaba and Fort, and the Gateway of India.

Cabs in India are cheap, if you can get the driver to turn the meter on, but I hate the easy ways. I took a tuk-tuk to the dark alleyways of Andheri train staion, and after a hot chai and some doughy things in spicy gravy from a spicy street stall—always follow the crowd when it comes to street food, O Reader, and wash your own vegetables—and after becoming lost along the platforms of the dark station, I boarded the wreck of a British machine, the slow train to Victoria Terminus. Five million people go through there a day, but it was still quieted by the earliness of the day and the darkness. As hot as it was, hot enough for shorts and a T-shirt, the sun would not rise for an hour yet.

Bombay was coming alive. Squatting vendors slapped piles of fresh newspapers to the pavement, to feed the worldly appetites of the world’s largest democracy. Food stalls sizzled, and the cooks cried out the names of their delicacies to the great crowds of workers in collars and slacks or colorful saris who poured out from the station. Clusters of narrow Muslim women, shrouded in black robes, turned away like shadows as I passed, and burly Sikhs took no notice of me. They never cut their hair, which they wrapped on their heads in turbans, or their beards, so they could never hide what they were, and would always have to defend it.

I walked beneath the eves of Victorian ramparts, the clocktower, the heights of offices, the jutting upper floors of apartments, the strangled columns of banyan trees and the pillars of palms, past fenced off polo maidans and Christian churches. Under the colonnades or benches or in the open spots between bus stops and trees, vagrants slept curled under blankets, alone or in couples or entire families laid out on mats, some restless babe squirming against a gaunt mother. They were the homeless of Mumbai, or the country poor sent to win bread in the big city, or teens that have run away from villages to escape poverty or bad grades, or the Pavement Dwellers whose shantytowns have fallen under a construction project. I was clearly lost, but by following my compass southeast, I came out of the city to a wide plaza along the surf, looking out past the Gateway of India on the Arabian Sea.

My hostel of choice was the Salvation Army’s Red Shield, a high building of red and white and wood just behind the Taj Mahal Hotel that was occupied and besieged during the Mumbai terrorist raids two years ago and still bears the scars of conflict under a patchwork of scaffolding. The Red Shield came recommended by both the Bible and fellow travelers, and it was notorious for its bedbugs. The reception desk was empty when I arrived, so I followed the noise of a hymnal up the stairs to a common room, where six Indian staffers huddled around a table while the security guard read from the Gospel of Saint John.

Two other travelers waited for the mass to finish so they could inquire about beds. One had a mustache and a mop of hair and could have been from anywhere, and he would have told me he was from nowhere, he had been on the road so long. The other was a tall Canadian with short hair and a fresh beard, with ears and a baseball cap prominent. He sat cross-legged on a table, back straight against the wall, and lost in the concentration of meditation. When Thomas woke up, and when the sergeants of the Salvation Army told us to ask again at 9, I started talking to him in the way of travelers, and he and I went around the corner to a Punjabi restaurant called Bagdadi. We ordered chai and channa masala, a spiced curry with lentils popular in the old Mughal heartland of the Indus River valley, with a bread like naan but thinner, called roti. O Reader, I love this food! Rest assured, a fuller report is coming, once I have tried all the tastes of the south.

Tom was a palliative oncology nurse. His patients were the hopeless victims of cancer. Unlike physicians of other branches of medicine, he became familiar with his patients; and unlike other physicians, he knew his patients would die. “I had some amazing conversations,” he said back in the Red Shield dorm room, when we were talking with a Londoner and an American named Joe. “They have so much to say about life. I think my problems are important—my job, my girlfriend, my family—but what does that matter next to life?” Tom’s girlfriend was a pretty travel agent back in Toronto, a high school sweetheart, and he would miss her sorely in the three months of his long-planned trip, his second international excursion after a visit to Thailand’s beaches and jungles.

For him, India was a place to discover change and enlightenment. He had renounced meat—easy to do in vegetarian India, where the cow is sacred—and smokes and grass and most of alcohol. “Many people come to India to change themselves,” said the Londoner, “so it’s a good goal.” Tom intended to volunteer in villages and study yoga in Rishikesh and climb mountains in Nepal, but my descriptions of the Dravidian India that lies south of Bombay made him want to go there for a few weeks while the weather was fine. First, though, he had to wait for the delivery of his bag, which the airline had left behind in Abu Dhabi.

There were many characters in the hotel. It was their first trip to India or their tenth. They came for yoga classes and meditation, to volunteer, to have adventures, or to idle away as much time as their money permitted. Common items were extensive journals, long hair, loose shirts or tight singlets, a month’s stubble, pegs of hashish, and the puffy leggings called Ali Baba pants, connected loosely around the knees. They smoked out on the porch and talked about Udaipur and Goa and all the places travelers want to go with so little time for it, and all the cold weather and hard work they did not miss from back home. The Army served a simple breakfast between seven and nine in the morning, and I was always up too late, and once too early, to receive it.

Tom and I had lunch with a Danish couple, Rasmus and Malacca, at a place famous for its South Indian food—Laxmi Villa, in one of the alleys behind the Taj Mahal Hotel. Leaving the Danes, we wandered around until we came to some slums on the Bay of Bengal, a rocky strand where children defecated on the rocks and tried to hit us with their simple kites. We asked directions to a cafe, next to Churchgate Station and the Lord Brabourne Stadium (where we tried and failed to buy cricket tickets), that served shisha to young Indians in a glass smoker’s box. I was addicted to the stuff, which is sadly as much a novelty in India as in the states. Farewell to ye, packed narghiles!

I took a nap when we got back, having been awake since I left Amman, and then went back to Bagdadi for chicken kadai. Thankfully, they gave me a fork for the meal. I went with Tom to a famous bar called Leopold’s and had a drink with a Polish cinematographer. There is a novel called Shantaram that one-in-five Indian backpackers are currently reading, the story of an Australian convict who escaped from Aussie prison to the slums and jails of seedy Bombay, and was there reborn. Much of the novel takes place in Leopold’s, which in the 1970s was Bombay’s expat bar.

Paintings of the world’s wonders—the Pyramids, the Taj Mahal, the Great Wall of China—decorated a frieze along the high ceiling, where whirring fans kept out the sultry, sweltering night and a forest of red columns met the white roof. Unlike most Indian places, that were sealed and dark and humid as a reptile house, Leopold’s left its huge segmented doors open for ventilation. Despite a recent bombing and a drive-by shooting that webbed the window with bullet holes, it remains a prime watering hole and rehabilitative center for travelers to India. So many crowded around its concentration of cafe tables that, in my many visits there, we often had to order twice from their selection to get any of the foreign beers, local Kingfisher, or the draught drinks in high glass tubes with taps on the bottom.

Back at the hotel, we woke up the poor manager, the one with a blind eye behind his glasses, to let us in after the midnight curfew, and I fell into a card came with a gang of Aussies and two German girls. It was a version of Shithead, an Australian variant of the American game Asshole that I had learned from a girl off the coast of Lycia, but played by as complicated a set of rules as three males can cultivate over five years of close friendship. They had just finished explaining the role of Presidents and Vice-Presidents to the incredulous German girls when Joe came in looking tight. The three Aussie blokes played most of the girls’ hands, and explained rules to Joe, and they shouted to pass faster the flask of rum and the bottle of white wine that were circling the table, and I held my own, though I never became President.

The markets of Bombay throw themselves across an area big as any normal city, alleys of stalls between fortresses full of them, organized into districts of electronics and watches, shoes and bags, fruits and vegetables and spices, meat and viscera. Strange things break the order: colorful rainbows of fake flowers from China or stolen car parts. The merchants speak Bombaiya, mixing Marathi Hindi, Indian English, and street slang, and shout out at the tourists who venture into their world.

From the Crawford Market, we went north to the Mangaldas Market. Tom was unused to the wild Asian traffic, confluences of cars that move like threading needles, and to the excessive use of horn. The Arabs contented themselves with a constant tapping, but the Indians screamed their louder, penetrating horns for long lengths of time. I was familiar with it all, but Tom’s surprise reminded me again how far I was from home. An old man found us as we entered Mangaldas and asked, “What are you looking for? Scarf? Sari?” I said I wanted a scarf, and he led us forward. The crowds hid from view the cobblestones of the long street, and a strange Indo-Saracenic mosque peered over their heads from the far end.

I bought a scarf in a store, with a little back and forth haggling, and then our decrepit guide led us into the warren of clothvenders who lounged on their merchandise and tailors who wore theirs. Tom was out to buy a pair of tailored suits in one of the world’s cheapest markets—because a good fit is better than quality, and the quality of these was very fine.

The old man took us to a cloth stall, and while the fashionable young merchant was unrolling bolts of black striped cloth, the tailor arrived, a distinguished Indian named Makwana with measuring tape around his neck and a well-trimmed white mustache and wire-frame glasses, to assist with choosing fabrics. That finished, Makwana took us back to his nook, where two assistants showed us a hardcover Italian fashion catalog, “2010, just released.” They used it as a reference book for their own work, Indian emulations at a twentieth the price, and had Tom pick out the styles he wanted. For $240, the Canadian ordered two suits and shirts. Makwana would come by for a refitting on Thursday, and they would be done the morning after.

We took a cab north to the Chor Bazaar, the Thieves Market, where you can buy anything. The dirt lanes and dirty towers looked more like bits of Cairo than India. At some stalls, teams of Moslems, in knee-length sherwanis and trousers and little hats of white cotton, tore at old cars with their bare hands and had them dismantled into bit parts, and the sellable bits set aside from the repairable ones and the junk, in twenty minutes. Goats wandered around the streets. They would go home at night for food, and at Eid would be sacrificed. We had lunch at a street corner diner, then continued up to a sort of stadium surrounded by goats. A man had just slit the throat of a chicken, and it kicked around in a bucket making a lot of noise. We went out onto the street near the leatherworks—Muslims deal with most leather produced in India, though the Hindus will wear it—and bargained hard with a cab driver to take us back to familiar things.

The sun had almost set on the Gateway of India. A construction crew was busy setting up the scaffolding of a stage for the coming Independence Day celebrations, and we mixed with the tourists and hippies and con-men and beggars that flooded the forum. The girls asked for food, and refused money, to feed their families. One swooped in and tied a string of flower petals around my wrist before I knew what she was doing, and I untied them and gave them away to another beggar. The touts sold random things to the foreigners—tours or information, hash and weed and opium, and giant inflated balloons that served no purpose and that I never saw in the arms of anyone but an Indian. A snake charmer walked the crowd with his defanged cobra in a leather bag across his shoulder.

(A man sometimes danced down the street outside the Red Shield, flagellating himself with a leather whip so long it wrapped around him harmlessly, and his wife accompanied him on the flute like a cobra charmer, which as it happens was the man’s second profession. To those who look out the windows at this noisy spectacle, he stops and glares and shouts, “Throw down money!”)

As we left, the strain of the crowd too much for us, a Brahmin, in his saffron robes and his most meditative expression, approached with a partitioned tray. He said a prayer as he tied a red, orange, and gold cord of cotton around our right wrists, put sugar beads in open hands, and a red dot on our foreheads. Then the Brahmin held out his own hand for a Western blessing.

“You must give more than that,” cried a passerby. “He is a holy man, you must pay more. One-hundred each. No, hundred for each! He is a holy man! Hey!”

We paid a hundred rupees for both of us and wandered around the court, protestations at our back, and then down the arcade. On the way, we saw the Brahmin again, blessing two German girls with all but the third eye of the red dot. They paid ten each, when we asked them, and we were outraged. We asked them, “Where are you going in India? What are your plans?”

Several times, Indian tourists in collared shirts asked, “One photo please?” We posed, the hired photographer snapped a few, and they all departed, leaving us in confusion. Were we Westerners, gathered by habit around the British Gateway, a tourist attraction for Indians? The Hindu next to me, his round face dark as chocolate, said, “Those fucking people. They come from Varanasi. You know it? They are not from here. I am Maharashtran. My family is from here for twenty generations. They just come here. They come and the fucking Tamils come.” He told me, “I am Indian, but I am Maharashtran before I am Indian,” and called Gandhi “a fucking bastard of India” from South Africa.

Sachin Hande was born in South Africa (Gandhi in Gujarat) but he was a Marathi, a native of Maharashtra, a Hindu—like the men who killed the Mahatma in the streets of Delhi. “Look at that fucking girl,” he said as a beggar girl passed. “They are Maharashtran, and they are like that because of all the immigrants. They are Untouchables. You know what that means?” Sachin was also an Untouchable, like the old sweepers of Bombay who benefited so much from Gandhiji’s visits and support and from their liberation under Gandhi’s nation, yet once the Untouchables lay so far beneath the caste system that a devout Brahmin would not share an open road with one, much less a meal. If caught in the same room, ritual ablutions were sure to follow to cleanse the priest of the taint.

But Sachin was a Marathi and a Hindu before he was an Indian, and he hated Gandhi.

Later, another Marathi, the package wallah who wrapped up some things of mine for home in newspaper and sowed them shut in a linen sheet, told me that only 23 per cent of Mumbai was Marathi, and that, “the other seventy-seven, from outside!” Know that the Marathi speak the word “Outsider” with a sense of horror, as a Westerner might say, “Arab,” or as Joseph Conrad would say, “Other.” Such conversations are awkward to liberal outsiders. Few open-minds tolerate hatred. The German girls had left, and Tom and I finally excused ourselves to go nap when Sachin started shouting at Tom, “Ten thousand for two suits! Fuck! You got ripped off! I can get one suit for one thousand seven hundred! Fuck!”

“He-he-he, ho-ho-ho,” went the old man, as he had every day but Sunday for the last thirteen years. “Now,” he continued, “China laugh.” The old Indian had an audience in a spacious circle before him, and, by the gray light of the emerging sun, that gathering emulated his every move as he twisted clawed hands around and laughed, “Eee-heee-hee, eee-hee-hee! Now, Korean laugh,”—that was for the benefit of the attending Koreans,—“Ha-ha-ha, ha-ha-ha. Danish laugh!” He held his gut and laughed, “Oh-ho-ho, oh-ho-ho! American laugh. Yea-haw,” and he slapped his knee.

No jokes or slapstick prompted the laughter. It was an exercise in humor, a workout for the diaphragm and the smiling muscles, for the laughing man and his audience. The half-dozen laughing Hindu women bound up saris distinguished themselves as regulars by their energy and their knowledge of the leader’s softly spoken commands. There were two other Indians in the circle, and the rest were foreigners—three Koreans, the Danish couple Rasmus and Malacca, the two German girls from the promenade, an Italian globetrottress, Tom, Joe, and me.

We three were exhausted. The night before Tom and I went back to Leopold’s with Joe and Kathy, the pretty blonde German. “Midnight!” said the bespectacled receptionist with a surly sense of humor as we left the door of the hotel, and at our assurances that we would be back in time for the curfew, he only laughed. We had Kingfisher beers with the Polish cinematographer, and left with the intention to do something crazy. An hour later, we were strewn out on a stairway in the Red Shield, drawing pictures with Kathy’s graphite pencils and passing around bottles of Indian rum and port wine.

“One, two, three,” said the laughing man and his Hindu disciples,

Laughing is for me.
We are the Laughing Club of Mumbai!
Laughing is the best
Thing in the world.
We are the happiest
People in the world.
Laughter is the best
Medicine in the world.

So went the Laughing Club motto, and so the morning meeting adjourned, and we foreigners went to Bagdadi for channa masala and roti and chai. The Italian girl couldn’t handle any more of the stuff, and said Indian food was all the same, just curries and flatbread. “All the same compared to what?” I asked, and I saw the cogs working as she tried to think of something else to say, something other than, “Italian food,” but that’s all that came out. The Italians, like the Turks, as the master races of cooking, tend to look down on the food of all other nations.

Tom, Joe, Rasmus, and I left the table early and in a rush, since we had booked a tour of the Dharavi Slums, the largest slums in Asia, and the ones in Slumdog Millionaire—and hesitantly, O Reader, since even we are not so inhuman as to be tourists of human misery! The tour guides knew the slum, had spent three months knowing the residents, and sponsored schools and programs in Dharavi with the money we paid them for the tours. Photography was forbidden. Rasmus’ girlfriend Malacca had taken the tour on one of her previous visits to India and recommended it.

We met Shiva and Ganesh, one our guide, the other our driver, in the Land Rover that would take us to the slums, and said hello to Reuben, a trauma surgeon from New York. Reuben had accrued vacation time and overtime, and instead of taking the offered money, he took six weeks off and bought a ticket to India with his already substantial funds. The five of us talked about netbooks and phones and things, and then Shiva pointed out some of the Chols, the long tenements built by textile workers when Bombay was a manufacturing city, in ordered lines and tightly spaced.

We passed a youth home for runaway teenagers, a series of two-story shacks built on the sidewalk by the Pavement Dwellers, and the tragedy of the Red Light District. Young girls, lured from India’s villages to Bombay by promises of good jobs in the city, are there bought by brothels and made to work off the debt of their purchase, held by force or by addiction to opiates. Only the ones who are close to freedom can stand out front. Those who buy themselves free see no opportunities for one so shamed and work at the brothels as matrons. “And look,” said Shiva at the end of the road, “a police station. The police can go to the girls for free, any time. Every once in a while there are raids, but they never catch anyone. One of the clients always warns the brothel that the police will come.”

The Dhobi Ghat is a washing compound north of TK train station. There were several dhobis throughout the city, but this one was largest. Two-thousand workers slapped clothes clean in a thousand vats of gray water, arrayed out like a V from the overpass where we stood gawking. Clotheslines obscured our view, hung with sheets and shirts to dry. Nobody owned the Ghat or managed it. The workers lived there and ran their own pools and washboards, conducted business with a few neighborhoods or hotels or businesses, picked up clothes from them, cleaned them in the compound, and dropped them off. The decentralization of the Ghat made it strangely efficient: clothes were never lost, because each man was personally responsible for his loads of laundry.

When the Reader considers that this human laundromat is in a country that is an IT superpower, has launched lunar missions and developed the atom bomb, he begins to grasp the strange contrasts that make India. Economists call it schizophrenic, with a tenth of the sub-continent advancing at a breakneck pace unknown in human history, banners of Nehru at the head of their rising waves, and the other ninth remaining poor and dirty and low-caste citizens of a world that consists entirely of the village or the neighborhood or the slum, under the low protective ceiling that Ghandi built. How does it stay together?

Ganesh stopped the car over a green, sickly looking swamp, with a sort of city on the other side of the road. It was the outside of Dharavi, where property moguls had built apartment complexes. The center was far too condensed for that. Dharavi was a city built on, with, and by the things that the world threw away. The foundations were garbage, the buildings shanties, the occupants the urban poor—but they represented a massive concentration of votes, so politicians promised them much and sometimes they had to follow through on those promises. That is how Dharavi got its water and electricity and sanitation, but it got its industry on its own.

One quarter was a man-powered recycling plant, a toxic dump of a business, based around a maze of dirty lanes and open sewers and dead-faced, glaring men. They earned between two and three dollars for their twelve hour shifts, then slept on the factory floor and mailed it all out to their country homes, where it was worth more. Inside the cobbled together factories, the workers shuffled around great vats and roaring fires, shoveling in aluminum shavings or plastic and breathing in the fumes. We climbed up from a factory onto the hot tin roof and looked out over that strange wasteland, contemplating the rising smog. “Well,” said Reuben, “it’s only twenty minutes off our life, give or take.” As for the workers, Shiva said none would not live long enough to see the side effects of the conditions.

They set the plastic with machines they made themselves and cut it into pellets, sorted by quality, to be molded into toys or keyboards by other factories. They cleaned out paint cans by putting them in kilns and burning out the excess paint, then applying a new label and sending them back to the paint manufacturer. The raw materials of their industry lay piled outside: old computer monitors, plastic jugs, empty paint cans and gas tanks, sacks of plastic shreds and crushed cans. Such waste came from India, but also from America and China, and the Dharavites built a city out of it.

We came to the slum’s main boulevard, a busy lane of traffic on foot and in auto-rickshaws, and took in the city outside the constrictive lanes of the factories. The buildings looked like impressions of buildings made from garbage. The people were happier and better dressed. They were professionals. Students, lawyers, doctors, technology specialists, and police officers (70 per cent of Mumbai’s force) lived there in Dharavi, because their family came from there or because they could not afford to live anywhere else in India’s most expensive city.

I followed Shiva into the tight warren, lanes shaded by the closely matched eves of the tenements and barely wide enough across for one man to walk, avoided the blue chemical waste of the sewers where they were open gutters, and peeked into the hovels where I could. My college dorm was larger, and families lived there, under a five-foot roof, with another family living in the second story, reached by a little ladder. Yet, they had carpets and pots and flat-screen televisions. The women wore sarees or burkas. Dharavi’s Hindus and Muslims lived in separate neighborhoods, but got along peacefully enough. The locals waved to us on their way to the store or working on some cottage industry, molding clay pots or rolling chapatis in the sun of little courtyards, and the children popped out in packs and screamed, “Hello!” The bolder ones shook our hands.

Later we came to a preschool, which was as distressing and as heartwarming as any preschool anywhere in the world. We moved on to a primary school. The students were studying for an exam, and we saw keyboards and computers on the open books. “These kids will write the operating system we’ll use in ten years,” said Reuben. We conversed about the rise of the Third World. The West hired China and India to make its junk, and the Asian nations used that money to make a middle-class of modern professionals. Most Americans have called an Indian for technical support, and more and more are going to Thailand and India for cheap therapeutic visits of competitive quality. “Once they have a middle-class of consumers,” said I, “the relationship is over.”

The tour concluded at the vocational school that organized it. An American volunteer was up teaching computer-related grammar to a group of Indians, who paid 50 rupees a week for the lessons and received all their money back if they finished the course. The owner, an energetic young Indian, came down to talk to us. “It’s not about having a good time,” he said of the tour. “It’s about understanding.” Ganesh was waiting outside. He drove the five of us back to Colaba, though he had to bribe a policeman on the way.

I slept nearly all day the next day, except for a brief excursion to Laxmi Vila for a newspaper and a grilled paneer, that is cheese, sandwich, and another for dinner at Bagdadi. Joe and Tommy and I went to Gokal afterwards, a seedy Indian bar down the street full of people who want no more company than a whiskey glass. Joe and I had $1 mugs of Kingfisher, with a chemical taste of some preservative that gave horrible headaches, and Joe talked about the months he spent teaching English in Taiwan, the openness of the Chinese, and the strangeness of that country’s wild west.

I was weary of Bombay. Weighed down by the aggressive cries of the street-vendors, the hands of the beggars, the taxis that swerved in my way, the giant inexplicable balloons that salesmen pushed in my face, I found myself becoming bitter and mistrustful of the Indians, all of whom appeared to see me as a dollar sign or a photo opportunity. This annoyance was particular to Mumbai, I know, but it twisted me. Tom was also angered by our treatment and would complain later of a lack of compassion; but it is easy to lose your empathy when humans act so. It was time to move on from Bombay, a good city to visit, but four days are enough. I’d been there five.

Tom and I went with Joe to the Churchgate Train Station. He had a 30 hour trip to Delhi, and hopefully to a science writing job with an English paper. A Harry Potter book that someone pressed on him was his only company. “You know,” he said, “I’m actually getting into it. I want to know what will happen.” At the ticket office, a busy woman told us that the only train to Aurangabad not entirely book left in three hours. Tom and I bought our tickets, and reserved some for Goa for when we got back, and rushed around the city to be ready in time.

More Thousands of Words

Yet you too in your time must have known the intensity of life, that light of glamour created in the shock of trifles, as amazing as the glow of sparks struck from a cold stone — and as short-lived, alas!
—Joseph Conrad, Lord Jim

I’ve mentioned a few of the camera problems I’ve had to you, Reader, but not nearly all of them. Luckily my friends provided me with a few shots to fill in the gaps. I posted a batch of those, and the ones I took myself between Aswan to Haifa, to my Flickr pages. Here are a few favorite ones.

Wadi Rum

Amelia (13)

Jean (10)
Photo by Jean.

Nuweiba & Dahab, Egypt

Yashar (2)
Photo by Yashar.

Mount Sinai, Egypt

Amelia II (39)
Photo by Amelia.

Amelia II (62)

Cairo

Cairo (7)

Cairo (2)

The Western Desert

Amelia II (88)

Aswan & Abu Simbel

Aswan (9)

Aswan (42)

Jerusalem

Jerusalem (27)

Hebron

Hebron (6)

Tel Aviv & Haifa

Tel Aviv (5)

Amman & Jerash

Amman II (3)

Jerash (11)

Egypt Sung: Ballads For Troubadours

I know I want to sing
So I know I can.

—Kyp Malone

Why did I write two songs about Egypt? O Reader, I had plenty of time.

My Eid Goat

Christmas brings a great deal to television, in themes and movies and commercial bumpers. The Mohammedan festival of Id al-Adha is no different. The bumper, a 3D cartoon, begins with a nervous looking sheep. A butcher’s cleaver falls from off screen just next to the beast’s head, who then collapses on his side in an expanding pool of blood. This similarly themed song is set to the tune of that classic nursery school rhyme, My Highland Goat. The notes at the end of each line are for the kids singing along—it is, after all, a childrens’ song.

Oh my Eid goat (e-oat-e-oat-e-oat)
Was feeling fine (e-ine-e-ine-e-ine)
Until he saw (e-aw-e-aw-e-aw)
What’s on my mind (e-ind-e-ind-e-ind)

It’s time for Eid (e-eid-e-eid-e-eid)
The crowd grew nigh (e-eye-e-eye-e-eye)
Out in the street (e-eet-e-eet-e-eet)
That goat must die (e-eye-e-eye-e-eye)

They took my goat (e-oat-e-oat-e-oat)
And tied his feet (e-eet-e-eet-e-eet)
We were all ready (e-ady-e-ady-e-ady)
For some fresh meat (e-eat-e-eat-e-eat)

I took my knife (e-ife-e-ife-e-ife)
And slashed his throat (e-oat-e-oat-e-oat)
The blood did spill (e-ill-e-ill-e-ill)
Out of my goat (e-oat-e-oat-e-oat)

We cut him up (e-up-e-up-e-up)
With our chainsaw (e-aw-e-aw-e-aw)
And took the parts (e-arts-e-arts-e-arts)
And stacked them raw (e-aw-e-aw-e-aw)

We cooked him up (e-up-e-up-e-up)
On our hot grill (e-ill-e-ill-e-ill)
Now my poor goat (e-oat-e-oat-e-oat)
Just a smeared kill (e-ill-e-ill-e-ill)

Now I am full (e-ull-e-ull-e-ull)
But I do fear (e-ear-e-ear-e-ear)
I’ll need a goat (e-oat-e-oat-e-oat)
For Eid next year (e-ear-e-ear-e-ear)

The Bedbug Blues

Our beds for 18 days in Dahab were infested with bedbugs, those “small, elusive, and parasitic insects of the family Cimicidae” (Wikipedia) that rise hungrily as you fall to rest. We saw them scurrying on the walls and pillows and sheets around 2 a.m. Like roaches, the durable pests refused to be crushed or battered. Amelia had experience with the deadly snakes and spiders of Oz, and she decapitated the parasites with a small, sharp knife. Ah, dear Cimex lectularius, for all our lost sleep in those late hours of unexpected carnage, I wrote this song for thee on the train back from Aswan.

I’m trying to sleep,
They’re trying to eat.
I got some bedbugs
Between my sheets.

They come out at night,
I’m feeling them bite.
Leave a buffet line of welts
When I turn out the light.

I got the bedbug blues,
I got the bedbug blues,
Won’t sleep tonight,
I got the bedbug blues.

I feel little footsteps,
They creep down my spine.
I turn to my baby,
She’s out of her mind.

Hopping all over,
Tangled up in her hair.
Those nightly terrors,
Run back to their lair.

She’s got the bedbug blues,
She’s got the bedbug blues,
Won’t sleep tonight,
She’s got the bedbug blues.

I go to the manager,
We got an infestation.
He sends up the bellboy.
To fumigate our vacation.

Ten cans of Raid,
Well they aren’t enough.
They get us high,
But bedbugs are tough.

We got the bedbug blues,
We got the bedbug blues,
Won’t sleep tonight,
We got the bedbug blues.

I asked the Lord,
Have mercy, Lord please.
They’re drinking my blood,
Soon as sun’s down on me.

I’m trying to sleep,
They’re trying to eat.
We can’t get along,
I’m no piece of meat.

I got the bedbug blues,
I got the bedbug blues,
Won’t get no sleep tonight,
I got the bedbug blues.

Goodbye Amelia

So goodbye, so long, the road calls me dear,
And your tears cannot bind me anymore,
And farewell to the girl with the sun in her eyes—
Can I kiss you, and then I’ll be gone.

—Tom Waits, “Old Shoes”

I met Amelia at the House of Peace after returning from Hebron, and we caught a 6:30 bus to Haifa, a peninsular town on the coast north of Tel Aviv. While we waited at the train station for our CouchSurfing host, Amelia found a packet of Tim Tams, the Australian Oreo, two wafers around light cream and coated in chocolate. Once someone asked her what cuisine Australia produced, and the only things she could name were kangaroo steaks and Tim Tams. (Vegemite is a Kraft product that found a market in Oz when Americans turned it down.)

She reprimanded me for thinking to eat them with cold milk. The Australians follow the British in calling their cookies biscuits and in eating the treats with tea or coffee. Tim Tams go especially well with the latter: bite off a pair of opposite corners and you can suck coffee through the porous wafer, although this trick requires perfect timing, and anything less will melt the Tim Tam into a crumbling tragedy. Amelia was very excited about the cookies. She shared them with the security staff, the women at the convenience store, and with Shimry, our host, when he arrived.

Shimry apologized for the mess of his car, a beat up little Honda, but it had been so long since we drove in any private vehicle that neither of us cared. A tall Israeli with a shaved head, he did tech support in Tel Aviv, spent most of that time arguing on the Internet, studied physics and philosophy at Haifa University—“It doesn’t really attract the smartest students,” he told us—and enjoyed good beer, which is how I picked him out from the lists of CouchSurfing. He drove from the train station by the sea halfway up the hill that Haifa occupies to his apartment. His long-haired roommate, a big cat named Looloo, and two albino lab rats shared that dirty but spacious flat. He cleared some things away in the kitchen so he could make coffee and enjoy a Tim Tam in the proper way.

There was an American-style bar down by the city zoo that was a little pricier than the “sleazy” one we tried for initially, but Shimry assured us they had a huge menu of international beer. I sat there in indecision, staring at the dark Trappist brews from Belgium and the wheat beers from Germany and the British ales and remembering the names and tastes of the ones I’d tried in those lands where beer is an art. “Look at him,” said Amelia, “now he’s never going to leave this place.” Eventually I settled on a Taybeh dark, from Arabia’s only microbrewery, outside Ramallah, and fell into a conversation about beer and Oregon.

The next day we had our minds set on a picnic. We bought cheese, salami, a baguette, and a cheap Israeli red wine at a supermarket and walked with it under our arms straight up the hill, past the point where “it can’t be much further,” and the point where “we must have passed it by now,” and made it to “why didn’t we take the bus?” when we finally saw, at the peak of the hill, a building so strange it could only belong to a university campus. The meadows of Carmel Park ran along the curve of a ridge and looked down on a forested valley that ran all the way to the villas on the sea. There were a few cars parked there and two locals rode through on ATVs, but otherwise we were alone with a pair of grazing cows, which looked on Amelia’s affection for pulling bovine ears with a violent disdain.

We made sandwiches with the treasures we had bought, so different from everything we’d eaten in the past three months, and finished off the wine, and talked until the sun started to set. I made unsentimental Amelia wait to watch the disc’s final plummet—it would be the last Mediterranean sunset either of us would see for a long time. “It’s just another sea,” said Amelia, “you’ll see better ones in Asia.” “But this is a sea with so much history,” I argued, “and Odysseus was lost in it, and the Romans called it Our Sea,” and she laughed at my insanity. We went to a cafe for coffee and a hollow doughy roll that Amelia remembered having in Czech Republic on our way back to Shimry’s apartment, then bought beer and some things to make vegetable soup and had a good dinner.

There were a few other places to see in Israel—the baptism mecca of Tiberius on the Sea of Galilee; the last Crusader fortress at Acre; our friends’ kibbutz near the fence of Gaza; the Palestinian village of Bil’in, where the Wall separates the town from its olive groves, and the protesting inhabitants are teargassed every week on Friday—but O Jerusalem! we were tired of religion and suffering and Israel, and wanted to get out and move on to some new road. This of course took us back across the King Hussein Bridge, where we paid $40 for the right to leave the country, to Amman. It was the fourth time I’d come to that city, and Amelia’s fifth.

I had to get an Indian visa in the Jordanian capital, since in Israel the embassy outsourced the work to travel agencies that took two weeks to do it; and Amelia was plotting her trip north to Kurdistan, the northern region of Iraq where people are safe, the economy is stable, and George W. Bush is a messiah. Flights there from Amman cost nearly $1000, so she settled on meeting Jean in Damascus, who also wanted to go, and taking the trying overland route. Eventually, Jean would persuade her to visit Iran instead, and they would fly into Tehran and receive 15-day visas in the airport, where Americans must pay $100 a day and be on a guided tour; but these plans had yet to come to fruition, and we had four days in Amman.

We checked into Cliff Hotel and found ourselves in the same Room Number 2 where we stayed last time, which still smelled of felafel from Hashem’s. Neither of us could take that stuff, so we went to get schwarma and tea and shisha (or teasha) down the street, falling quickly into old habits. We watched TV in the hotel common room, around the oil-burning furnace.

The next day, a Thursday, I went early to the Indian Embassy by the First Circle on Jebel Amman to request my visa. I had to run around making photo copies and printing tickets and getting money, but eventually I received the promise of a three-month visa in a week’s time. I would fly to Mumbai on the 17th, in ten days. I brought breakfast back with me, banana muffins, and we took a cab out past the lists of Western restaurants, bearing such shockingly out of place names as Applebees, Fuddruckers, Popeye’s, Burger King, and TGIF, and emerged in the wide parking fields of two great shopping centers, the Mecca Mall and City Mall. When I had seen that horror New Moon in Cairo, Amelia promised she would see Avatar with me and was true to her word.

We bought pizzas and milk cartons at the City Mall’s Carrefour, and picked out a bag of sweets for the show; when we received our box-framed 3D glasses, it seemed in most respects like some primary school date. We took our seats in the fourth row center of the sold-out theater and played with our glasses.

The Arab audience talked quietly through the first part of the movie, but at the flying scene, where the protagonists made a spectacular dive on their pterodactyls, they started whistling and cheering. The floodgates loose, this exuberance continued during the PG sex scene. During Jake’s big speech against the foreign occupation and its imperialistic greed for resources, the fervor exploded. The audience found it impossible to turn quiet, and a few scattered members kept whistling while the rest shushed them noisily, and a ten-year-old boy in the front screamed, “Shut the fuck up!” All through the last battle they cheered every explosion, every kill, every climax of the rendered action.

An effete, erudite (I tend to confuse the two) critic might call Avatar a cliched, uninspired film. The obvious political overtones, referring to “shock and awe” and “preemptive strikes,” were not lost on the Jordanian audience. The characters and plot devices are drawn from stock archetypes, and it is, at its heart, another sci-fi flick about scientists on an alien world—but it has a steady beating heart, a tender love to the bulk of its expensive creation, that involves the audience easily and inextricably in its predictable arcs. Like most of James Cameron’s movies, Avatar excels in the art of its storytelling, the creative depth of the world, and the leaps and bounds of its technology. Amelia and I left smiling, and we stopped in a store on the way out so she could buy a pea coat to keep warm in the mountains.

The bakery across the alley from the Cliff Hotel had cinnamon rolls the next day. Discs of flatbread fired noisily down the metal chute from the ceiling into a bin in the corner as I bought some pastries for breakfast.

Amelia and I went to the Wild Cafe up on the hill to use the Internet, and we reminisced on things. At night, we drank the arak I gave her for Christmas, then went out for beers with some Belgians and a Brazilian. The next day, a Saturday, was her last day in Amman. I went with her to the pharmacy for more eye gel and to the bank to change shekels. We got coffee and reminisced some more, both full of gratitude for good company on the unsteady road, for the inside jokes, for the easy-going, for the trust and the kindness, and for being more than a stranger to at least one friend.

That night could have been any other night, as we had a big chicken dinner. I bought beers at the liquor store where we’d once yelled to our taxi driver, “Stop!” on Kate’s birthday, the night we started our company ten weeks before, but the world keeps turning. We talked sparsely, feeling the imminence of separation. “It’s a sad day when you have to set your alarm,” she said. The world keeps turning. In the morning I walked with her out to the corner to hail a cab that would take her north to the bus station for a shared taxi to the Syrian border. We shared an embrace and a sad goodbye, and then our partnership ended.

It was the first time I’d been alone since descending through the Cilician Gates into Syria, and I missed my constant companions sorely, especially Amelia. In the week that followed, I kept busy uploading a backlog of photos and writing, and I would hang out with Australian soldiers, a Norwegian named Erasmus, a girl from Utah named Hannah who knew Santiago and had met Jean on his trip back to Syria, and a Nipponjin named Takato on his way to Yemen—“But Al-Qaeda is there, and they closed all the embassies. Isn’t it dangerous?” Amelia had asked him when we first met in the Peace House. “No,” said Takato, “don’t worry, they released him last week.” “What?” “The Japanese man they kidnapped. They released him. He was only in jail for a month.” But I still felt isolated, very far from home, and very glad and grateful to have the memories of the last three months.

Amelia, I thank you. India is next.

The Road to Peace

They fill the children full of hate
To fight an old man’s war
And die upon the road to peace.

—Tom Waits

Our bus returned Amelia and I from Bethlehem to the Damascus Gate, and under the setting sun we walked back up the Mount of Olives, through the crowded rows of the Jewish cemeteries. The Mount is prime real estate for the dead—the buried there end at the front of the line when the Last Judgment comes around.

Tuesday we tried to enter the Temple Mount, that holiest site of Abraham’s test and Mohammed’s ascension where one prayer is worth ten thousand, but the guards shut the gate in our faces. Only a certain number of non-Muslims could enter during the two daily windows the Mount opens to tourists, and we were two too many. Dismayed, we went up through the Old City, the streets full of Nigerian pilgrims, Zionist American tour groups with their hired riflemen, girls with unloaded guns slung over their backs huddled around some map as part of their army training. All Israel’s women serve two years in the army, and men have three, except the Orthodox Jews paid by the government to study the Torah.

After locating with some difficulty the rock-covered grave of Oskar Schindler, we walked northwest of the Old City to visit the Jewish Orthodox neighborhood there, Mea Shaarim. The inhabitants live and dress as their forebears did in nineteenth century Europe, locked in a simpler era by that peculiar regressive fancy that strikes every human faith in some way.

They wear the black clothes that the medieval Church demanded they wear, with tzitzi tassels hanging out the men’s jackets. Some wear the teffilin, a black box strapped to their forehead and black straps on their wrists. Most men have a hat: at least a kippa or fedora, and often the cylindrical Slavic fur hats, the shtreimelspodik, and kolpik, of the Hasidic Jews. Beards and sideburns and sidelocks were common. The streets were bare of life and decoration as a ghetto. Stores sold simple, often handcrafted things, used books, and antique furniture, and, I noticed, the mattress stores carry no size larger than a twin.

The “residents faithful to the tradition of divine command” had posted the following sign: “To women and girls who pass through our neighborhood, we beg you with all our hearts, please do not pass through our neighborhood inimmodest clothing. (Modest clothes include: closed blouse with long sleeves, long skirt, no trousers, no tight-fitting clothes.) Please do not disturb the sanctity of our neighborhood and our way of life as Jews committed to G-d and his Torah.” Another stated: “Groups passing through severely offends the residents. Please, stop this.”

Ibrahim served a big dinner that night and gave us a talk about paying the bills, so we were sure to donate before we left the next morning. It was a crazed place, Jerusalem, and we were tired of the politics of faith, and ready to go somewhere secular and get a drink.

Tel Aviv called to us as the place to welcome the New Year. If Jerusalem was the locus of Israel’s religion, then Tel Aviv was the bastion of her Western liberalism. The glass coffins of offices and apartments lined the sunny beach like diamonds, and you could find people swimming in the sea and drinking at bars and washing clothes at the laundromat at all hours of the day. It seemed in its modernity infinitely far from the squalor and politics of Cairo and Hebron and Beirut and all the rest of the region. Though young, educated activists take to the streets in protest against their government’s treatment of the Palestinian problem, the Telavivans never leave their vibrant city to show support where it really matters.

Amelia and I were CouchSurfing for the first time in Tel Aviv. By that wonderful Web site, travelers meet locals who offer the hospitality of extra beds or vacant couches, and of a local perspective, a free guide. In some places, like South America and most of the Middle East, CouchSurfing can be difficult as the young people to whom it appeals live with their parents, but in Israel hosts were common (and I hear that Indians will invite their guests to stay for a week or two).

We took a bus up to the University and asked directions to find Ehud’s apartment building, and our host welcomed us inside. Ehud, a physics student, lived in a clean, well-decorated flat with leather couches and modern art in what used to be the wealthiest area of Tel Aviv, but took credit for none of the room’s taste. “It’s all my roommate,” he said. “I let her do everything. I’m useless at it.” He was in the middle of cooking an onion soup for her and had only a little time with us before he had to go to work, but that was enough to display his generous hospitality.

Ehud served us leftovers and then started mixing drinks, White Russians—“I used to be a bartender”—and some fruity liqueur as soon as a glass was empty. I asked about Israeli beer, and he brought out a Goldstar dark lager without a thought. His apartment stocked more booze than food. A week before, he and his roommate, Alinna, drove up to a small Orthodox town to buy food. Because every family there has at least eight kids (if you have eight children in Israel it nets extra benefits from the government), grocery prices are much lower. They came back with a trunk full of Goldstar and Absolut. Both Ehud and Alinna had that Russian biology common in Israel, where one in five speak the language.

“Jon,” said Ehud, “you studied history and seem like a philosophical kind of guy, so I have a philosophical question for you. What are you drinking?” He stirred another White Russian, then continued: “So, I don’t know if you’re religious, but religions say that God has a plan for everyone, that everyone has a fate. Everything you do is planned. It’s all destiny. You can’t escape it. There’s no, how do you say—yes, right, there’s no free will.

“In quantum mechanics, though,” and he waved at the big red physics book on its leather chair, “you see that at the most basic level, within particles, you can tell where an electron is, or you can tell how fast it’s going, but not both. Even with the most advanced computer in the world, even with a computer that nobody can make yet, you couldn’t tell. It’s random. There are tiny variations that nobody can predict. So I’m reading about this, and it just makes me question everything.”

We kept talking, applying Chaos Theory and the lawlessness of history to the mundane existence of a human, and listening to Balkan Beatbox, until Ehud’s friend Cho-Cho arrived, fresh returned from a tour of duty. Curious, we asked them about military service in Israel, where at 18-years-old all men serve three years and women two. Israel had consigned Ehud to an armored division where, after his eight months of busy training, his keen intellect languished with nothing to do. For every young Israeli conscripted to a job examining satellite photos of Gaza or working in a hospital or learning a martial trade, there are ten who sit idly at a dead border or deal with Palestinians going in and out of the Wall. No wonder so many Israelis travel for months after their release from such a purgatory of duty!

“It’s not dangerous,” said Ehud, “and it’s not useful. It’s just like any other thing. If you study hard in university, you have the same amount of discipline that you would if you took apart and scrubbed your rifle every day and marched around.”

Ehud finally escaped his mandatory service ahead of schedule via the neat trick of a mental breakdown. When Alinna came home from work, she told us that her two years were wasted time, that she started college two years later than she would have in any other country. We talked until Ehud had to go to work. Then we sat there watching TV with Cho-Cho and Alinna and eventually went to bed on the mattress they’d laid out behind the couch. In the morning when we were up, Ehud made omelets in his underwear, blaring Tchaikovsky’s 1812.

Ehud worked at a hotel down by the beach, a sleazy by-the-hour place where he could study physics behind the reception desk. His most common clients were East European prostitutes and Hasidic Jews—“Because they’re not getting anything good at home,” said Ehud. The prostitutes left him a small tip each time they came through, and the Hasidic Jews avoided his eyes.

We met him there in the early evening after exploring downtown Tel Aviv and having a beer at the mahogany and gold Brewhouse on Rothschild. Our CouchSurfing host poured us coffee from a thermos and then went to deal with something while we sat in the lounge next to an old woman from Ontario named Karen. Tel Aviv is nice, Amelia said, “but expensive. “Yes it’s expensive,” said Karen. “Don’t think we’re licking honey in Canada. I don’t want to tell you what we’re licking.”

There was a Californian named Mark working there as a handyman, who had first come to Israel as a professional soldier. He was heavyset and had a shaved head and an East Coast accent. Once he and his friends had packed up all their gear and ATVs in the trailer when a call came to each in turn: “Be on base in six hours.” They returned from Gaza City a week later to find everything gone.

“Where was your wife?” asked Karen.

“Come on,” said Mark. “I told you a dozen times. We’re not married.”—“What do you mean you’re not married? She bore two of your children.”—“Well we’re not married.”—“You should marry the girl. Isn’t she good enough?”—“She says I don’t make enough money. I make 200,000 shekels a year and she says it’s not enough. I give her a house, a car, groceries. She doesn’t have to work. Isn’t that enough?”—“Do you understand this?” asked Karen of Amelia and I. We shrugged.

Mark said, “You want to see pictures of my gun?” and I said, “Yes, definitely.” He showed us a photo of his M4 on his cell phone and told us about the armor piercing bullets and all that, then showed us a video of his Gaza team. “That guy’s always sleeping,” he said. “We stop for five minutes and he falls asleep. See, he’s sleeping here. We call that guy the Student, since he’s always studying. That guy has to wear a map on his back when we walk around. It really sucks. Oh, check this out.” He had a video taken by an undercover friend of his, of a Gazan lying on a stairway in the dusty street. Miliants would run up to the him and spray bullets from their Kalishnakovs, so the body jerked around and splattered. “He sold secrets to the Israelis,” said Mark, matter-of-factly.

We excused ourselves, said goodbye to Ehud, who was working all night, and went down the street to Momo’s Hostel. Our friend Rob of Perth, who we met at Ismaelia House in Cairo, was staying there, and we arranged to meet him later in Florentin before going to Mike’s Place for nachos and a pitcher of beer. Mike’s was an American bar right next to the Embassy, famous for being bombed in 2003, that served American fare with the atmosphere of a place just off the Interstate. The only Israelis who went there were after foreign girls.

Mollified, we retrieved Rob from his hostel and took a bus down to Florentin, picking up a few bottles of beer on the way. Denniz’s friend Rachel lived in the neighborhood and had told us that on New Years Eve the main street became a party, blockaded to traffic and filled with young revelers. The three of us pushed through them until we came to a corner under a streetlamp and met two Texans that Rob knew. I never got their names, but one was a large blonde girl with a tremendous affection for Black culture and the other looked like a Giovanni Ribisi action figure.

Florentin had no official countdown, so when Amelia’s watch said the time was right and the decade was about to change, we started shouting seconds alone. Our enthusiasm dissipated when nobody joined us. A dozen groups spontaneously did the same over the next few minutes. Eventually we decided it must be New Years and we could celebrate. We stayed a while longer until the lack of music got to us, and then we got on a bus back up the strip. The Texans started singing old 2Pac and Biggie songs, and they fell in love with Rob when they learned that the Australian knew all the verses.

We went back to Mike’s Place for beers. The band had stopped playing and their equipment littered the stage, and we sat on benches around a wood table and watched people. The Texans were confused about why Amelia and I were in Israel and why we had been traveling for so long. “So,” they said, “you just go to a place and look around for a few days, and then go somewhere else?” Yes, we said, enjoying their incredulity.

A drunk Hindu businessman from Bangalore named Gururaj started talking to us, and he invited me to call him when I come to that part of the world. His more sober friend was ready to leave and tugged Gururaj away. “Don’t let him do that!” cried the Texan girl. “If you don’t wanna leave, you stay. Just say this to him: ‘I will cut you,’”—she emphasized that cut with an extending drawl,—“Come on! ‘I will cut you!’ That’s what we say in Texas when we mean business.”

Our bill when we asked for it included a lot of extra charges labeled “Quality Discount,” and even inebriated we could tell they weren’t discounts at all. “What are these?” I asked the waitress. She went and got the manager, an porky American, who with an aggravated, overbearing friendliness asked us, “Hey, is there anything I can do to help you?”

“What’s this Quality Discount?” I wondered. “Well,” said the man, “here at Mike’s Place, we have a policy of not charging anyone cover, so y’all got in here free tunight. The quality charge is something we charge after ten, since there’s no cover. There are signs up everywhere.” “We didn’t know that. We didn’t see any signs.” The manager got very defensive, and I issued some platitudes about how much we respected his institution and its policies while assuring him that we wouldn’t pay the charge. “Oh, you’re not paying. You’re one of those guys,” said the man. “Well okay, fine buddy, great way to start out the new year. Well let me tell you something, karma always comes around. Enjoy your fourteen shekels. And don’t come back.”

We walked the few blocks back to Momo’s Hostel, complaining all the way, though I felt eerily heroic. Rob and the Texans went to bed, and Amelia and I started hailing cabs. It was so late that all the cabbies tried to charge us an exorbitant fee, until Amelia declared, “Let’s just walk back. I walk back home all the time in Melbourne. Sometimes for miles.” Instead of doing that, we got on a microbus headed most of the way to the University. Amelia said as we sat there, “Doesn’t it seem like there’s something off about this city? I don’t know what it is. I can’t put my finger on it. It’s like a Western city, but something’s off.”

We tried to figure out what it was the next day. Tel Aviv is surely a bubble, a fresh, sterile, secular Western metropolis in the middle of an ancient, noisy, faithful East, and it seems unaware of its isolation—not arrogant, just blind. More than that, the population of Tel Aviv, compared to the other cities of the Levant, with their Arabs and Coptics and Nubians and Druze, and compared to the cities back home, was homogenous. Nearly everyone was Jewish and speaks Hebrew and English or Hebrew and Russian. They came with few exceptions from Russia and America and pockets of Europe.

(The most fascinating exception is the community found in Ethiopia, practicing a fundamental form of Judaism. Nobody knew where they came from, but the Israelis pulled them into airplanes, shipped them into Israel, and started teaching them Hebrew. ”I didn’t know what was going on,” anyone will tell you. “All of a sudden, there were black people.”)

New Years Day we took a break and went to a theater in the mall to see Where the Wild Things Are, and I gorged myself at the pre-Shabbat cafeteria on the thick, rich Slavic food you can find in Israel. The day after we picked out more of Israel’s strange traits, as I walked down the beach to Jaffa and Amelia tried to shop on the Shabbat. Along the grass promenade that ran along the sand were picnickers and cyclists and women in skirts and groomed dogs on leashes, and I was not being oggled as a remarkable aberration, a stranger in a strange land, an Other. “He was one of us,” as Conrad says, and no one treated me any different.

Old Jaffa, the Port of Jerusalem, where Jonah boarded a ship to Tarshish and where Christian pilgrims disembarked on their way to sites of pilgrimage, is a museum piece. I wandered through the quiet old town and had a grilled cheese sandwich at Said Abuelafia & Sons, since 1879. You can find many distinct foods in Israel, such as schnitzel sandwiches and salami and the largest concentration of sushi restaurants outside Japan.

That night we took a bus back to Jerusalem, though we had to wait until the Shabbat ended at six. We returned to the Peace House and got beds in the back room, and the next day the Temple Mount turned us away again. We went to the Israel Museum, to see the vast model of King Herod’s Jerusalem, the Second Temple prominent, and the Shrine of the Book where the Dead Sea Scrolls are maintained in worshipful solemnity.

As our contribution to Ibrahim’s Peace House, we made a soup with what we could find and what we were hungering for: Spinach, cauliflower, onions, and a lot of garlic, with potatoes and yams mashed into a paste to give more body to the tomato sauce broth. Ibrahim asks for donations to keep the place running, and those who can’t afford it help in other ways, by doing laundry or cooking for people. A group of German backpackers had shown up, asked Ibrahim to pay for their cab fee, and then stayed for a few days, eating their fill at dinner. “We’re pretty good at telling who will and who won’t donate,” said Irene. “They won’t.”

A good Muslim, Ibrahim never kicks anyone out from his house, although in their self-righteous bickering his lodgers often ask him to. Only once has he broken the Mohammedan principle of hospitality. An American man and wife had come to Jerusalem with their dog from some devout recess of the country, where a preacher told them, “God has spoken, and He wants you to stay at Ibrahim’s house.” The wife was pregnant, and Ibrahim gave them his own room and bed and took the woman to the hospital when the time came. On the roof at the same time, their dog gave birth to nine puppies, which ran around the Peace House making a mess of things.

A month passed and Ibrahim’s birthday came. He was holding a big party, and he asked the pilgrims, “Would you be able to move out of my room before then?” “No!” said the pilgrims, “God told us to come here, and we won’t leave until He says. If you want a place to stay, go to a hotel. Our Lord will get you a room.” Well, Ibrahim asked them to leave again and again, and finally a squad of Israeli police showed up.

“Ibrahim,” said the officer, “do you have Americans in there? They called and said you were trying to kick them out.” Ibrahim told the police what had happened, that it was his own bed he wanted the Americans to leave. The officer went to the pilgrims and said, “You have to leave.” “You’ll be punished,” said the pilgrims, “if you do this. God told us to come here, and we won’t leave until He says.” The officer replied, humorlessly, “Well then you call your God and tell Him to send down a fax in the next five minutes.”

While this was happening, the police found that the Americans had overstayed their three week visa by three months, and so God never had to fax the Israeli police.

I spent the next day apart from Amelia in Hebron. I had heard horrible stories of the city, one of the flashpoints for hostility between Israel and occupied Palestine, with one of the region’s saddest stories. In 1929 there was a massacre. Palestinian riots carried off nearly 50 of the Jews who still lived in that sacred city, the Canaanite city where Abraham was buried, though good Palestinian neighbors sheltered and saved the lives of hundreds more. The Jews left Hebron, and it became Egyptian and then Jordanian, until the Six-Day War. Victorious Israel sent 500 settlers to the West Bank of the Jordan to live in the ancient city, in the middle of 160,000 Palestinians, who call the place Khalil.

I arrived outside the souq with Catherine and Katerina, from Germany and Austria, who I met on the bus. They were volunteering at the Austrian Hospice in Jerusalem and told me some things about the city.

The streets were full of Israeli soldiers and melancholic Arabs. Nets covered the souq like an aviary, to catch the trash thrown from the rooftops of the adjacent Settlement, a neighborhood on a hill closed off by a wall of sealed buildings and barbed wire and gated roadblocks, and there were watchtowers and sniper nests and spotters on all the rooftops. Israeli boys come out under military escort to slap Arabs and insult them. The Settler families are notorious in their zealotry and seem intent on removing the Palestinians from their Promised Land through antagonism and cruelty—turn them into refugees; let Jordan and Lebanon deal with their camps.

The Teutons and I left the souq for a great plaza surrounding the two shrines built over the Ma’arat HaMachpela—the Cave of the Patriarchs. The Ibrahimi Mosque and the Sanctuary of Abraham synagogue were once connected by the octagonal chamber around Abraham’s tomb, but now the heavy doors and walls and the bulletproof glass installed in the space between the two temples prevent any contact. The place is segregated by religion—no Jews in the mosques, no Muslims in the synagogue—for the safety of both. Fifteen years ago, a Jewish settler entered the mosque and killed 29 Palestinians at prayer.

When the Teutons left, I stayed to talk to people—to the Observers who watched the courtyards with cameras and notepads, who have been dispatched there by the six neutral countries participating since the massacre; to a man whose shop was closed and sealed since it was on a street adjacent to the Settlement, who is now unemployed. I asked, “When will the Israelis leave?” “Never,” he said. The Observers are in Hebron until they do. “The Israelis are supposed to leave?” “Yes,” said one, “it is in the Hebron Agreement that Israel will turn over control of the city to Palestine.” “Have they?” “No.”

I wandered the town alone, bought lunch at a kebab place and a kefiyeh in the souq, and set off for the return journey. On the bus back to Jerusalem, I sat next to an unknown girl, as terrifying a prospect in the Islamic World as it would be to an adolescent boy back home. The gentleman fears to look at, much less brush against or talk with those sensibly scarved Muslim maidens, flipping delicately through pocket-sized Qur’ans.

The bus re-entered Israel through the fortress gates of the Wall in Bethlehem, its sheer ten meters covered in as much political graffiti as the Wall of Berlin. There, next to a huge tower, I saw the sign that Denniz had painted there and shown us in a photograph: red letters on a white rectangle, a quotation by Kurt Tucholsky that also hangs in the entrance of the Holocaust Museum in Jerusalem: “A country is not just what it does, it is also what it tolerates.”