Archive for the 'Laos' Category

Adventures in Cave and Jungle

Art thou pale for weariness
Of climbing heaven and gazing on earth,
Wandering companionless?

—Shelley

The monsoon rain, swept north out of India by the winds of that season, continued most all of the day for several day, clouds clinging to the karst cliffs of Vang Vieng like the canvas of a great dripping tent. I spent some time thus circumscribed and recovering from my injury; until, in between drizzles, I moved from the farm to a guesthouse in town.

My foot was swollen from the rusty wounding and I was taking antibiotics. I did not trust the hospital. The nurses dumped iodine on my punctures, taped on a bit of bandage, and shouted, “Pay now!” In fever dreams I had visions of deeper infections: gangrene, cellulitis, blood poisoning, and amputation. I considered going south to Vientiane and crossing the border to see real doctors in Udon Thani, rather than risk an ambush by some medical complication in rural northern Laos, where medicine consisted of Band-Aids and papaya juice.

The next morning an English-speaking doctor told me the foot was fine and just give it time. I had to return north to Luang Prabang anyway, to get my passport and Chinese visa, so with some confidence I boarded a minibus north, full of Thais and Dutch. The karst hills were beautiful in swirls and eddies of morning mist.

The heavy rains had caused mudslides, and there were delays all along the winding mountain road. When we first stopped, at the edge of a great valley, I walked along the lineup of cars and trucks a mile long to the barricade of a mudslide, sloped across the road, which a long-necked excavator was patiently removing. We were there for an hour, then moved through the cleared cordon only to suffer more delays. The radiator cracked and all the passengers of our minibus were dispersed into others. I got into one transporting Europeans, which stuttered forward.

Around sunset we stopped again at the top of a hill overlooking a steep green valley and waited for the excavator to clear out the infill in the basin. I played Shithead with the three English as the gloaming descended, and I chatted up the two Dutch girls and wandered the line of cars because I was starving.

There was a truck full of small pineapples and the family was carving them up with a big Laotian knife and selling them out the back for $2 a piece. A pair of local women moved up and down the caravan with a basket of sugar drinks and potato chips hanging between two of them. The Laotians were fine with sitting around on blankets with little improvised picnics laid out, playing cards and sipping whatever was at hand, even though some of them had been caught in the delays since dawn.

I was always impressed with the Buddhist capacity for patience: their ability to accept the things over which they had no control, to nap at leisure through tiring tribulations that would have a Westerner fuming and stammering and asking everyone, “What the hell is taking so long?” The Buddhists never wasted time taking account of all the time being wasted: rather, they found some quiet things to do or just sat back and smelled the world.

It was dark when the caravan began to readjust itself, fitting into one lane so the first cars to come out from the far side could get by. It was nine when we started moving again, still with half the journey before us. We stopped at a diner around ten, and I ate noodle soup with the tall Dutch girls, fair-haired Annabelle and one dark-haired Sarah; and we arrived in Luang Prabang near midnight.

It was only seventy miles from Vang Vieng but took fifteen hours to achieve, and this was short, thanks only to the wild, desperate driving of the captain. Other travelers were not so lucky: the French family I met in Phandindaeng took nearly twenty hours to cover the same distance.

Having been in town before, I set myself in charge and organized everyone to get to hotels, leading a big group of Brits and Dutch girls to the guesthouses on the Nam Song, though I myself was left without a bed. I voyaged down the dark alleyways of the old town, asking in hotels and following pointed directions until I came to one filthy hovel wrapped around a dusty courtyard. A voice from a black window said, “Hello?” and I made a deal with this void for a bed and went to it, feeling very Faustian.

In the old French town of Luang Prabang I picked up my Chinese visa, got medicine and saw a Chinese doctor, changed to a different guesthouse in the warren of alleys near the Mekong, and arranged to meet the two Dutch girls for a drink later.

Not only were Annabelle and Sarah quite pretty, they were also sorority girls from Amsterdam, where admission to a sorority requires a five-week hazing camp. We wandered to the market and had rice and papaya salad and bottles of beer, talked of studies and their young trip, the first week of five, and then said goodnight, exhausted—and hopefully we say goodnight again, and pleasantly!

The night was warm and clean, the air fragrant with the rain and the river. Well relaxed, I unlocked my room at the Padichith Inn, then heard a strange grating sound and happened to look up— “Holy Christ!” I backed up to the bathroom. “What the fuck is that?” A huge bug, like a moth as big as a fist with the wings of a fly, started barraging around the hall, ramming into the lights and the walls. I stood watching it, then shuffled by and grabbed the basket off the water tank. With this and some courage I trapped the thing.

A Laotian came in as I was scooting the basket towards the door. “Hold on,” I said excitedly, “there’s a big bug in here!” The Laotian followed me to the threshold, curious, and I pulled away the basket like tada. But the scarab was on its back. “Oh, it’s dead?” Suddenly it sprang at us and flew past, back to the hallway, barraging around again. The Laotian went over calm as Christ and took the bug in his hand. It clung to him till he went outside and cast it up at the night.

Well I did who-knows-what for the next two days, and finally took a bus north to Nong Khiaw on one of the last days of July. It was a cramped, leg-crushing affair, as I was seated over the rear wheel and next to a poor tall Laotian, my knees jammed into the backrest of some Italian gentleman sitting before me, who kept glaring back at me from his cuddly Thai wife.

My plan for the rest of Laos was the following (as gleaned from a traveler of these parts whom I chanced to meet in Burma): from Nong Khiaw I would take a boat up the Ou River to a distant village called Muang Ngoi, and after exploring those horizons would go from Nong Khiaw north and west to Luang Nam Tha, a city near the Chinese border and surrounded by one of Laos’ largest National Protected Areas.

Laos contains huge tracts of primordial forest, untouched since the dawn of time, and the nation guards these forests and the tribes within with a will worth admiring, especially when compared with the exploitation and whoring out of nature in their closest neighbors.

In Nong Khiaw I followed a Dutch couple down to the river docks, and the Italian with his Thai wife and a French couple came as well, and after an hour’s wait (during which time I enjoyed some dish called suzee, a soup with chicken, lemongrass, and onion in coconut milk), we were, together with a dozen more, crammed into a narrow pirogue longboat for the hour journey upriver to Muang Ngoi.

The jungle about the river was a creeping thing: alive and introspective, drooped under the weight of its color. Little thatch houses stood on the shore, dark and fragile under the wild bower. Women washed clothes and they washed their children in the water.

The boat wove back and forth in the current to find the path of least resistance and avoid the shallowest obstacles. Water sprayed into the boat as we crossed the rapids. Then the skies cut loose with a torrent, and all the passengers folded down tarps from the light roof of the boat. We huddled inward, trying to stay as dry as possible, though the rain lasted only fifteen minutes and it would be hot again after that. I disembarked soaked on my left side, having been near the front, but my knapsack and haversack were dry, which is all that counts.

At the jetty I went with the first tout who called to me from the crowd of them encamped on the stone stair: a mild old woman who owned the bungalows just next to the dock. I got a hut with a mosquito net over the bed and a bathroom in the back for 20,000 kip a night (that’s about $2.40), under the condition that I tell no one about my deal. Feeling accomplished, I went to get beer and dinner, and met the Dutch couple there in the street. We ate a curry meal at the restaurant recommended in the Bible and waited out the downpour there as well, then sauntered home in the warm evening air. I realized only on the road that I had never asked them their names.

To share a meal and conversation with nameless faces is one of the atrocious circumstances of travel. I rarely eat alone, and rarely too know the people with whom I eat, except for a basic biography. I, too, am some stranger. To most people, when they ask how long I’m traveling for, I’ll say, “Well I’ll spend a month in Laos, two in China, one in Japan, and then go home,” and make no mention of all that year preceding this, because it is just too absurd to have existed for so long without the defining context of a home, the warmth of true friends, and the worshipful arms of a girl.

I spent the next several nights eating meals with strangers—with the Dutch couple, with the two French from the bus and boat, Yarik and Aude, and Naan the pleasant waitress, with three Californians, and one night with a whole tableful of people I’d hauled together, including Brits and Dutch and Americans. I sat at the head like Caesar and ate my fill. When the place closed, the unknown Dutch couple shook my hand and said, “It was good to meet you, but we leave tomorrow.” I cried, “Wait, what are your names? I have to know. It’s been like three days and we’ve never said anything.” The answer: Morraine and Svelatra. I renounce dining with strangers!

One day I tried to hike out into the hills to some villages. The trail was a gridworked cesspit wherever it dipped low. I took off my sandals and waded barefoot in mud to my ankles, through spare forests and past rice farms and thatched homesteads. The road went straight east along the southern end of a long and narrow valley until it found a tributary of the Ou River and, following this, came to a cliff and a cave. I met some French, coming from the further trails, who said it was muddy as the river. In their conversation with eachother I discerned, “Capitulate,” and I also gave it up.

Instead I went inside the large cave. Vines hung over the mouth of the entrance, which led into a wide chamber where the villagers had carved stairs and left trash and condoms, but the cave became more wild and dangerous as I scrabbled down the stone and clay into the black: a black so suggestive of primordial horror, of chasms and unknowns. I had only my small Gerber flashlight with its old battery, and I held it in my mouth while I made moves that took both hands. After an hour of patient work I came to a final hallway, where a pillar glittered in a wide domed chamber and bats swooped down over my head. At the end of the hall there was no Grendel nor any treasure chest: only a fast-rushing river that stopped me from proceeding.

This was my only adventure. But I felt comfortable in Muang Ngoi, grew familiar and even attached to its rhythms. There were few enough tourists there that I knew all their faces, and few enough restaurants that I had my favorite spots. There was a mangy dog I could recognize by the bullish size of his cajones who would follow me down the only street when I whistled, though I never named the mutt. Muang Ngoi moved with such regularity that it seemed eternal.

Packs of dogs snarl and brawl on the southern end of the road, and children chase each other in the last days of summer break, and a woman serves flat sodas in plastic bags with ice from blocks that she crushes with a piece of board, to a crowd of child-like mothers and wide-eyed brats with scraggly manes. Two places in town had televisions, and every Saturday and Sunday morning from eight to nine all the kids would gather in one or the other, fidgeting silently in fickle mobs, to watch a Thai broadcast of “Takateo,” a tall tale about some heroes that live in a cave.

Everyone in Muang Ngoi wears Western fashions that seem bizarre anachronisms there amid the mountains and rice fields—the boys wear jerseys, the little girls Hello Kitty dresses, the young women T-shirts with labels and tight jeans, and the women wear polo shirts and skirts, and the men wear athletic shorts, and if they have a shirt it is peeled up to show their midriff—and you know, they probably make all this in Laos and sell the same items to America for $20 a piece.

And above all this looms a steep high hill, capped with a saddle. The mountain descends east in a slope of lithe pines like stalks of broccoli, and to the west it falls toward the river with long drops of bare limestone cliff, like jagged alabaster bared between the ranks of trees. This whole western face turns beautiful when the sun sets, like a treasure trove of jade and pearl.

Looking further south, over the sandbars and the forest at the bend of the river, more green crags rise up into the blue like Crusader fortresses, striated by the slanted sunlight. The pirogues chug, and the Laotians all wash themselves in the river, men in underwear and women in wet towels, and they brush their teeth in the same water and waddle home wet. The night descends in stillness, in gloaming, in bug songs, and sometimes in a timely downpour. The generators stir until ten, and then all the village is dark, and the moon lights up the hills, and the brush rings with insects. At four the boats rumble up and traffic starts again, same as it always has and always will.

May no road ever reach Muang Ngoi, ever breach its patient serenity, but that road of the river, flowing with rain.

When it was August and I knew I needed to get to China I left Muang Ngoi for Luang Nam Tha. The road was long and winding, in places worn ragged or flooded, and always surrounded by green hills, rice paddies, and scenic vistas, beneath a contrasting sky of high white clouds and low black streaks. Medieval villages came to line the highway near the end: thatch huts and wood fires, dirty kids skittering out into traffic, not to mention dogs, pigs, ducks, and chickens. The driver of my minibus was always slamming on the brakes to avoid these but was not entirely successful. One chicken was martyred by our haste.

So we disembarked in Luang Nam Tha, and it was already after six. A Catalonian, Sergi of Terragona, saw that I was alone and asked if we could split a room. We ended up with two beds in a cheap and dirty Chinese-owned guesthouse, and then, being starved, went to the night market, where they served bowls of noodles and meat and spring onions, grilled kebabs of pork fat and water buffalo, papaya salad, and bottles of BeerLao.

Now Luang Nam Tha is famous for its trekking. The primeval jungles of the National Protected Area host jurassic insects and triassic flora, nonexistent pathways and old tribes. But it can be difficult to find a group to trek with, especially during the monsoon months. All the trekking agencies had signs out front offering certain treks, and all of them had the same note next to them: 0 people signed up. The park authorities charge each group a fee to enter the jungle, so the more people in a group the smaller the individual cost. It was by total luck that I was able to find a group.

Sergi and I ate our dinner at a stone table in the market square, sitting across from a rebelliously-dressed Asian reading a book, who by his style and solitude was obviously not a local. I was looking all over the square and said to Sergi, “I keep expecting to see someone I know.” The Catalonian glanced up and was about to reply, but instead said, “Oh, I see someone. Hey!”

This is how I met Richard Popplestone and his compatriot, an aristocratic English girl named Natalie. They told us how they’d been looking for a trek for days, and soon the Asian at the table, Kevin of Toronto, was involved in the palaver and plans.

Thus we had found a group without looking for one. We shopped around some and ended up with a two day, one night trek to a Khmu village south of the town. It was billed as moderately difficult. The next morning we reconvened at the travel agency: Sai, our guide, and we six trekkers. With all the scrambling about of some of the hikers, it does not look like we’ll be leaving soon, and that leaves time for introductions!

Popplestone was a young and cheerfully energetic Brit with as many interests as dislikes. Natalie spoke with an upper-class English accent: a pretty personal fitness trainer, trained in theater, and able to do anything she wanted, such as this year abroad. She was the kind of traveler who approached the locals with ingenuous curiosity and quickly made friends with even the most exotic of tribals. Kevin Lim, a cool-headed and easy-going 24-year-old from Toronto on a trip of indefinite length, could play guitar and speak Cantonese. Richard of Firth signed up separately for the hike: a Scotsman and software developer, he bore multiple scars and injuries from rugby and, more recently, Muay Thai kickboxing and also had a passion for poker and Gō and an admirably frank character.

The other characters were Ngoi, the 16-year-old sister of Sai the Tour Agent, an adorable girl who came along to practice her English and could usually be seen bringing up the rear of the group with her hands crossed, her face a portrait of tropical contentment; and then Sai the Guide, a happy little Laotian full of jokes. He was 24, a teacher of English, and unmarried, who liked trekking because it gave him the opportunity to talk with the village girls.

“English teacher not much respect. Many girls don’t like. They will marry the man who takes care of pigs before they marry English teacher.”

As for the Catalonian: Sergi was also heading into China, and we would in the course of time travel together all the way to Shangri-La, so some biography is warranted. Terragona, just south of Barcelona, was once a principle city of the Roman Empire in Iberia and retains its Hadrian wall, its ancient layout and Mediterranean pace. Like the Spaniards, the Catalonians finish work around eight and eat dinner closer to midnight, going out to the discotecas at two and remaining there until dawn, so that it is with only a few hours of sleep that they return to work the next morning. Their principle source of energy is the afternoon siesta.

Sergi had been an electrical engineer, but he left his job for a year abroad and seemed delighted to have no idea what he would do on his return. He had short-cropped hair and a thickening beard, was the easiest kind of guy to get along with, and always wore the easy, careless grin of someone who knows the difference between liberty and freedom. He spoke Spanish and English fluently and, after three months abroad, had become unused to his native tongue. It was always with great surprise and disbelief that he heard some other traveler speaking in Catalan.

And as for myself? That tall and quiet American with thick hair and fair skin, compared occasionally to Dave Grohl and Van Morrison, dressed in ragged Indian clothes and adding a ragged beard, trekking with an old army green knapsack slung across one bony shoulder, always taking notes in a pad or pondering something with a romantic inattention, always slipping on the muddy path but never falling—as the Author, it is my prerogative to say no more. I fear the Reader already knows too much.

Introductions being complete, we may now proceed with the voyage.

The company left town around ten, the sun hidden behind thick clouds and a prospect of rain. A comfortable van took us out onto the highway, then on a dirt road, circling round a rockslide that nearly blocked this, to Houay Xim, a large Khmu town of three-hundred.

Their stilted houses ran up the hillsides, and a stiff wind might have knocked over the flimsy structures. At the top were the granaries, with wide wooden shields around the struts to keep rats from climbing up. Dogs nested underneath, between the stacks of firewood, and kids peered out from the porches saying, “Sabaila.” There was a crowd of men lingering in the shade of a roof by the road, but the village headman and most of the women were out in the paddies. The current headman was very young, said Sai, and a headman could be young or old or from any family when he was elected every few months. He had only to be a man.

Natalie was the acting headman of our group and spokeswoman to the locals and questioner of Sai, and she asked many questions as we toured the village.

The Khmu were animists, undiluted by Buddhist precepts. They worshiped the spirits of nature, the phĭi of nature, the then earth spirits of plants and soil, the khwăn guardians of men—thirty-two each, guarding organs and senses and the mind. The Khmu wore orange bands so the khwăn could find them in the darkness of the spirit world. They built spirit houses in their homes and set a làk méuang or “city totem” where the spirit of the town would reside, and they believed in săinyasqat—in magic, in geomancy and astromancy and necromancy. One of these noble savages joined us for the next leg of the trip as a local guide.

Down the road a ways we turned off into the forest, quickly coming into the deep jungle. Our trail was not much of one—narrow, slick, sometimes very steep, and often crossing or following one of the rain-swollen streams that ran down the valleys. I waded through them in my sandals, the Laotians in their shoes, but some of the others tried to keep their feet dry by feats of acrobatics. They clung to vines and stepped gingerly on the moss-slick rocks, until finally falling in the water and giving up the fruitless attempt. Popplestone held out the longest with this: he made it all the way to the last stream we had to cross and slid right in.

Everything was alive around us. The multitude of leaves took kaleidoscopic shapes. They were smaller the closer they hung to the valley floor, and the closer they stretched to the sky, and in the central stratum there were fronds as large as a man. The bower hung low and thick as a cave roof, and the trunks of trees were like fluted pillars in an endlessly repeating cathedral crossways. There was the sound of all kinds of insects, of birds and wind-shifted bower.

At noon we climbed up out of the valleys on steps half the size of a foot, dug out from the slope very recently by a small shovel. We clung to roots and saplings and bamboo poles—anything to get the next leg up—and we slid around and twisted ankles, lost grips and face. Sai said, “One fall, one cup Lào-Láo. How many can you drink?” We were falling over with exhaustion as we climbed down into the next gully, sustained by the sugar in Sai’s lemon drops, as the Israelites were sustained by manna. We scaled down that ramp of mud by the bamboo railings tied between the trees. One of these railings broke and Richard the Scot nearly rolled down the steep hill.

At the bottom there was a rocky stream, in the deep shade of five strata of overgrowth, where Sai said, “Lunch here.” The local guide went off downstream with his big knife and returned with several long fronds that he laid out in the stream bed between some rocky chairs for a table, and Sai unpacked sticky rice, meat, bamboo, and tomato salsa from leaf wrappers. There was no littering in the National Protected Area.

The company ate its fill, and with renewed energy we tackled the next slope (except the local guide, who waved and headed home with the leftovers). Natalie’s ankle was sore—“It’s so embarrassing. I’m the personal trainer!”—and halfway up we stopped so Richard could bind the foot with a backpack strap. With Scottish humor he remarked, “You’re having a Fowler, aren’t you. Having a Fowler? As in Robbie Fowler? Having a Robbie Fowler. Nevermind.”

The bugs were biting, the air was so humid it thought it was a swamp, and everyone was full of complaints. But we came up from this steep climb into a bamboo forest, the stalks huge and untamed, stuck up in all directions like grass on a lawn.

It was an even descent from here. Sai stopped us at one point to go off into the forge of the jungle and cut walking sticks for everyone with his machete: one end sharp and one smooth. The sun lowered and the bamboo groves grew darker, and at some length we emerged into the farm fields along a fast-running river, with a little Thai Dan homestead on its banks.

It was a quiet family that lived there, in two longhouses, with a smokey kitchen and outhouse and chicken coupe, cohabiting with a triad of friendly dogs and a dozen each of ducks and chickens all running around the yard. The old woman killed and plucked one chicken while we were down washing in the muddy river. The men tried to catch ducks, and Natalie befriended Ngoi and taught her English from the children’s books we had brought as gifts for the villagers. By the light of a single bulb, powered by the water turbine the village shared, we ate chicken soup, pumpkin soup, fried cabbage, and sticky rice. The chicken soup also contained the testicles: Richard discovered the first one after eating it. Sai called them “boy balls,” and I ate one and Sai the mysterious third.

Then Sai passed around the Lào-Láo in a cup he had made from a bamboo stalk. We all drank and talked and were tired together. Ngoi drank a lot—more than most of us—and by the time we went to bed she was laughing and making a racket. We rolled out blankets under mosquito nets in one of the longhouses, and Popplestone found a giant skull-faced arachnid, as big as a hand, crouched against a beam on the dark side of the room.

“Oh,” said Natalie, “why did you have to shop me that?”

“Don’t worry, it’ll take him at least an hour to eat through these nets.”

“Unless he has acid spit,” I remarked casually.

“Yeah. Then it will take a lot less time.”

Sai caught the monstrous thing with a piece of paper and killed it.

There were several things that disturbed what should have been, by virtue of exhaustion, a fitful rest. Ngoi’s drunkenness was the first. Then, in the middle of the night, a downpour swept through the valley, accompanied by a thunderstorm that cracked the sky right overhead. Before dawn, a cow moored itself in the yard of the homestead and began to moo with a metronome’s regularity, about once every fifteen seconds. “Shut up!” cried Richard the Scot from a state of half-sleep. “I was about ready to go out there and kill the damn thing,” he said later,—“What the hell was it mooing at?”

The storm meant muddy roads, and Natalie with her swollen ankle decided to take a short road home, rather than our twisting and dangerous path. First we all had breakfast—Nescafe, sticky rice, eggs, and fried bamboo—and put on our sweaty clothes from yesterday, said farewell to the Thai Dan family and forded across the river, heading east.

The day was already growing hot, and we all sat in the shade when we came to the main Thai Dan village. We met with a deputy of the village headman and gave him a few of the children’s books, and we saw the local primary school—kids hanging out even though it was summer, teachers drinking BeerLao in a classroom, a meager library. When in session there are two classrooms, five classes of students, and fifty students, in that town of 267. Anyone after further education had to go into The City. Up until recently there had been no school at all. A European charity had built primary schools, water pumps, and latrines in villages all around Luang Nam Tha.

Well Natalie and Ngoi headed down The Road toward The Highway to get a tuk-tuk home. (They would not get back until 5:30, which was still before we arrived.) We men started off over more streams and up a high steep hill that shot the energy out from all of us. We were empty shadows, slinking up the path, dreaming of a fire and a cup of tea in a warm hobbit hole somewhere else. There was a clearing at the top with bamboo poles tied between the trees for benches where we halted to rest. I rang the sweat out from my shirt—“That’s disgusting,” said Kevin—and we examined all the weird huge bugs. There were beetles with chrome blue and pink carapaces and butterflies with wild patterns on their fluttering wings.

After that it got or seemed much easier. We were going up and down a path along the ridge-line without much rest. “Let’s just go,” I said crankily. Richard argued more persuasively: “If we stop, it’ll be harder to keep going, so let’s just keep walking. Is that okay with everyone?” Kevin was counting “left, right, left” in his head, and Popplestone was miserable because he did not trust the water that the family had boiled for us—they had mixed in some bitter leaf that was apparently good for digestion and had the worrying side-effect of making the water look like mud soup—and so was reduced to what he could filter with Natalie’s special water bottle.

We walked, one foot in front of the other, and we sweated and thirsted. The sky looked like rain, and we were too tired to despair. What matters one extra inconvenience, one more drop in the bucket?

Coming down off the final hill the scenery turned surreal: twisted stands of bamboo, rotting and creaking, dense with death and decay, forming walls as thick as a jail cell’s. Ducking and duck-walking we came out on a strait and muddy path, carpeted with wet leaves and surrounded by the forest, and still high on the hill. At this point I felt a pinch on my leg and pulled up the pants.

“Hey Sai,” I called, “send back that salt. I got a leech.”

There was a little black worm wriggling against my shin. The guide put salt on it and it fell away, squirming out its death throes in the dirt. We all started looking. I found another one on the side of my foot and one between my toes. Everyone started finding them: little toothy worms on shoes, inside shoes, climbing up socks. Leeches!

“Alright let’s go,” we said, “let’s just go! There’s leeches everywhere!”

We saw them on the ground. They were stepping towards us, arching out, drawing in. They were attached to fallen leaves by the sharp teeth of their mouths, wriggling their prehensile backsides in the air like some Stygian tentacle, seeking a grip on passing feet. We started stabbing at them with our bamboo walking sticks, our faces contorted with some primal instinct, stabbing our spears into the mud.

“This is leech city,” said someone. “Sai, just go!” “He found a big one. He’s throwing it in the bushes.” “Let’s just go!” “There are more coming. They’re everywhere.”

We rushed down the trail, propelled by horror, and stopped every minutes to make a leech check, always finding more.

“Can we just run?” asked Sergi,—“I want to go home. These fucking leeches.”

The end was an endurance match. We scrabbled down a last mud ramp and came out of leech city into a wide panorama of Luang Nam Tha: the valleys and distant hills and rice fields and scattered clouds. The women working the fields below peered up at us. We climbed down among them and followed a narrow path through a new forest towards the village on the highway. The women finished their work about then and sped up behind us, tools over their shoulders, wearing skirts and sandals or going barefoot, all a head shorter than we were, and outpacing us by far. At first we sped up like, “Come on guys, we can’t lose to these peasant women,” then we stood aside.

“Let’s not tell Natalie about this,” said Popplestone as the women trooped past.

“It’s our secret,” said Richard. “No one has to know.”

We forded one last river, met with a deputy chief of some village and delivered our last books, then rode back to town—rode unto showers, clean clothes, and market food. All of us got multiple bowls of noodles and skewers of grilled meat, and Richard and Popplestone shared a ducks. Then we moved across the street to Manychan Bar for more beer.

Natalie met us there, having dined at Ngoi’s family home, on pig brain and lungs and liver (though they made some greens as well when she looked white-faced). Ngoi and Sai also arrived, and we all played some drinking games known by the Brits. Sai and the girls were the first to leave, and slowly the rest of us did as well. I went to bed unreasonably late for having worked so hard that day.

I was excited: in two days I would leave Laos and the region for China. Sergi and I would take a bus north to the Baten border and cross into a new country. Farewell! Farewell papaya salad! Farewell BeerLao! Farewell to Southeast Asia, your fun-seeking crowds and fake bullshit! China, I expect great things from thy mystery.

Heart of Darkness

Oh, what a place, what people! What a civilization is this of ours—this godless civilization founded on whiskey, Blackwood’s and the ‘Bonzo’ pictures! God have mercy on us, for all are part of it.
—George Orwell

The farang in Luang Prabang came in two broad varieties. First, the tourists, who found Laos on their itemized Lonely Planet itinerary after the tsunami forced vacationers heading to Thailand to move inland in 2000. These would stroll the colonial graveyard of the city, drink Lào-Láo in Veng Vieng, and head back into Thailand via the Friendship Bridge, with a Third World stamp to liven up their passports, and several complaints about the condition of the Laotian roads burning venemous holes in their mouths from all the retellings.

Second, the travelers, who stopped in Luang Prabang because it’s in the middle of Laos, and who are quick to leave for the country’s fringes: the Four Thousand Islands of the southern Mekong, the backwater towns like Muang Ngoi or Muang Sing or Phongsali, for a backroad motorcycle adventure, for a trek in the jungles around Luang Nam Tha, or to one of the mountainous crossings into Vietnam, at Tay Trang or Nar Maew, where the bus fords rivers and sometimes the passengers get out and pull it uphill by a rope.

The tourist says, “Why don’t you just fly?” and the traveler replies, “Where’s the fun in that?”

I was intent on heading north to one of these towns, the truly rural Muang Ngoi, but as I had to be back in Luang Prabang in four days to pick up a Chinese visa, and as my Dutch and German friends were heading south, and as someone had recommended an organic farm in the same direction—I instead followed them to Vang Vieng.

Remy, Neinke, Lars, and Karol left earlier that day on minibusses. Lars and Karol were in one full of Laotians, who constantly vomited with every twist of the road. At one pit stop Lars noticed that a pig was sticking its nose out of a potato bag in the back of the vehicle. He gave the pig some water, and then the driver noticed it as well, started shouting at the woman who had brought it onboard. Eventually they reached a compromise: the pig could come, but it would have to be tied in its bag to strut on the back of the van, and there dangle for the remaining hours.

I went to the bus station at around ten. There was some matter of no buses leaving until four hours later, I was informed by a company of Welsch I happened to know; and they had tried to arrange a minibus to take them, but the Laotians would not go lower than 950,000 kip. “You mind if I try and talk to them?” I asked. With their permission I crossed the highway to the minibus depot. Ten minutes later I came back, saying, “I got nine-hundred thousand. It’s the best I could do.” Sometimes I make a very good merchant, although I find the business abhorrent.

The first thing to be said about Vang Vieng is that the place was beautiful. On either side of the Nam Song river, high revetments of karst and gloomy jungle shifted in and out of misty curtains, over grand hours of time. The mist floated down the ravines and gullies like some slivered creeper. Behind this cloak, the highest battlements were transformed unto impressions of horrors, a statuary of the devils, the abandoned constructs of angels; and the mist divided, flowing in rivers below the cliffs and behind them, making sky castles of them. This was my first impression, as we approached Vang Vieng from the north.

The small town, with no small measure of tragedy, had become a backpacker town and a center of young debauchery perhaps unrivaled outside of Thailand or Cancun. The principle event was tubing, where tuk-tuk-loads of shirtless farang were bussed a ways upriver and allowed to float down on a wide truck tire tube, stopping along the way at any of the five bars, where strong-armed Laotians pull them in by a thrown rope, and there drinking whiskey and coke out of a little sand-bucket that was an icon of Southeast Asian travelers, and perhaps jumping off one of the high trapeezes or rope swings, where the signs say, “Please buy a drink before you try it,” and then ending up at the Bucket Bar, a platform of drunken dancing surrounded by bungalows of trashed and tangled travelers, a throbbing beat, and buckets of booze for a dollar.

The whole enterprise was ridiculous. The Nam Song was not at all safe in that season, when monsoon rains had washed down flotsam and jetsam into the fast-running water. Not to mention the rampant cases of pinkeye from dirty water, people do die every year. One young farang died when I was there, a backflipper who hit his head and did not come back up. Many tubists also missed the last stop at the Bucket Bar, where the water flowed swiftly between the pylons of a bridge, because they were too drunk to grab at the retrieval lines. One girl floated down a few kilometers before climbing up to the bank and through the woods. She returned to Vang Vieng at five in the morning.

Because of its beauty and danger, adventure tourists also frequent the Nam Song, and this is a sight only a photograph could fully express—a troop of kayakers in adventure gear, in helmets and lifejackets with waterproof cameras tied on and safety protocols memorized, gracefully gliding downstream, and alongside them, and mixing in with their formation, a mob of shirtless drunks collapsed lazily in rough black inner tube, crazy with Lào-Láo, laughing and splashing and likely to fall off their vehicles and drown in the muddy river.

The tubing scene sprang up over only a few years, and in that time it became as extortionary as any mafia. Renting an inner tube, when I was there, did cost about $7, which was more than the price of renting a motorcycle, and also required a $7 deposit, which was returned as long as the tube made it back before five in the afternoon. But so many tubers started around noon, because of their hangovers, and all the bars gave away free shots, and at the end the Bucket Bar was lively as hell, so almost nobody returned their tubes on time. That $14 was a fortune.

The thrifty tuber may wish to buy a personal inner tube, but that was illegal. None of the stores sold them, under a mandate of the Tubing Council. Remy and Lars eventually went to the market, where a Laotian whistled at them and whispered, “Inner tube?” He brought them back into a secret den, full of stacked and deflated flotation devices, where they bought two small tubes for $3 each. They had to conceal the tubes in their trousers for the tuk-tuk ride out to the first bar, because the drivers will not take you if you have your own.

The other scene in Vang Vieng was drugs. Many restaurants had a separate menu with bags of ganja, pot brownies, mushroom pizzas, and opium tea. (It was in fact easier to buy opium in Vang Vieng than to buy an inner tube.) They also showed reruns of either Family Guy or Friends, so let’s get high and watch TV! Now, drugs were very illegal in Laos, and if the police catch someone with possession, the punishment was three months in Laotian prison and a $700 fine—or offer a $300 bribe on the way to the station. Many farang who purchased drugs in Vang Vieng eventually had a local policeman knocking on their door.

When I arrived, my friends were waiting in the bus station. We split a tuk-tuk into town and arranged for rooms at Le Jardin Organique, right on the river. Karol, Lars and I stayed in a bungalow with air-conditioning and television showing some cartoon— “Oh, it is Star Wars,” said Lars, with his clipped Prussian accent, “I like Star Wars.” “I’m a big nerd.” “I love Star Wars.” “Let’s watch. Maybe there will be lasers and explosions.”

It monsooned at six, then we all went to dinner at a little floor-seating place, and then crossed the bridge to the island of the Bucket Bar, where it was raining and debaucherous. Drunk farang danced and groped in the rain on the color-spackled, strobe-lit stage, and at the bar farang operators served buckets of drink, and in the huts around the stage farang were passed out or making out, surrounded by drained buckets. The men all had their shirts off and wore necklaces instead. The women were all drenched and in heat.

We met Luuk and Charles there, who were having a great time. I observed the scene quietly, not drunk enough to join in, nor so straight-laced that I would turn away.

Neinke was not impressed: “This is not my kind of scene,” she said. “I like to dance, but not at a place like this. Ugh. I am—what is the word?—astonished.”

At midnight, a tight-shirted Brit announced that the music would move to the next bar on the Tubing Council’s list. Drunken English girls stumbled towards the his microphone like zombies towards brains. English girls can be attractive but generally lack class when you find them abroad. Any of the girls who that night slid into the mud, crashed over the fences, or nearly fell into the river were certainly Islanders.

We watched the drunks wander off—it really was like watching zombies—and then crossed back over the bridge and bought a few sandwiches on the way back to Le Jardin Organique. I told Neinke that I was also astonished by this place.

“My choices are: A— go to a farm and get up at six to milk goats, eat organic food, hang out with serious French people who smoke cigarettes, and ride my bike in to teach English to kids; or B— go tubing and get trashed on whiskey buckets and dance with drunken English girls in the rain.”

“Doesn’t sound like a hard decision,” she said sullenly.

“No. It didn’t take me long to decide.”

The following morning, during a break in the rains, I rented a bicycle and rode out three kilometers to the organic farm in Phandindaeng. I asked for Hom Singh, the keeper of the goats, and arranged to work there for a week.

The Laotian farmhand was my same age, and although he was already married and had a daughter who was six and a son who was a little younger, he acted younger than I, and always had a smile on his face and a merry joke for whatever Korean girls happened to be staying there. He usually wore a hat and a T-shirt and shorts and wore rubber boots when it rained and flip-flops when it did not.

There was the main hall of the Phandindaeng farm, above a lawn on the river, where the restaurant served its food and the family and the workers lived. A muddy path led away from the river to a long wooden dormitory, with a few rooms for private guests, then crossed a covered bridge into new forest, passing the goat barn, with the house of Hom Singh in the back, and the shed where Hom Singh made goat cheese, and then a few quaint mud houses.

The main product of this farm was mulberry leaves, which grew on a wide field below the barn and the houses. The mulberries were sold, the leaves given to the goats as feed. The farm also grew mangoes, bananas, jackfruit, and a few vegetables, struggling for subsistence.

No barrier separated this tranquil idyll and the chaos of Vang Vieng. As soon as I arrived I heard the thump and throb of distant music, of “I gotta feeling, that tonight’s gonna be a good night,” carried up the Nom Song from the first of the tubing bars, a tall mass of lashed wooden towers, rope swings, and screaming, like a recent shipwreck. Just upstream from the farm was the jetty where the tuk-tuks dropped off their truckloads of tubists and tubes to enter the river. A string of them floated past anxiously. Above and across that rushing water rose the grand escarpment, cloaked in rain and garlanded in mist.

There was one Frenchman staying in the dorm, a chef named Pierre, who had seen other volunteers come and go. “I don’t understand,” he said with Gallic tragedy,—“they can do this anywhere. Why they must do it in the most beautiful part of Laos?”

I asked if you get used to the noxious music—“. . . that tonight’s gonna be a good night, that tonight’s gonna be a good good night,”—and Pierre replied, “After a day or two. But you always hear it. It’s always there, from ten in the morning until seven at night.” The rope swing bar had been constructed only two years ago, and since then the Phandindaeng farm has known peace only in the early mornings and the cool evenings.

That day Lars and Remy went tubing. “Please ignore anything I do today,” said the German, and Remy had a look on his face like this was Christmas. They had hamburgers for breakfast and had a beer on the way out.

“You guys are going to have to get those stupid tank tops,” I said. “Into the tubing, Vang Vieng.”

“No I will not wear this. I might as well wear a shirt that says, I am an idiot, on it.”

But today was an exception, like a Black Mass or a Bacchanalia. They moved slowly because of the rain, wore only their swimming trunks and took only a few thousand kip for drinks. At they market they bought their contraband inner tubes, and they set to floating at the rope swing bar.

It rained all day. Sometimes it came down in cataracts, sometimes it merely drizzled, but it was always wet and nothing would ever dry. The river was in spate. It rose by a yard that night, covering up the islands and shoals, carrying down tree trunks and other debris from the hillsides.

The German and the Dutchman floated down the Nam Song, step by step, the bars like the Cataracts of the Nile. They soaked up buckets and shots of whiskey until they were half mad. Karol, Luuk, and Neinke met them at the Bucket Bar, and they all went crazy.

There is a procedure to milking goats—lock the head in some way, wipe down the udder with a rag rinsed in warm water, then form the thumb and forefinger into a ring around the base of the goat’s nipple, which is about the size of a thumb; squeeze the ring firmly to capture all the milk in the nipple, then squeeze the whole fist, and the warm milk will spray out into the jug rather than soak back up into the udder’s reservoir.

Doing this quickly requires timing and concentration, and milking both nipples on the goat requires even more. Performed properly, that reservoir can be lactated rather quickly. Then add the contents of the jug to the milk bucket and move on to the next one.

The goats each occupied a stall of the goat barn, which was made of old rotted timbers and sheared branches nailed together. These stalls were about five feet off the ground, so refuse would drop through cracks to a pile of fertilizer below, and to keep the building above the intransigent water and the creeping jungle vermin.

On this particular morning I had got through all the rest of the goats before the allied French—two bourgeois girls and a family with two young sons—had emptied one udder. I called myself a master of milking goats, which was not all that enjoyable, and decided the next day to offer to help Hom Singh with repairs to the barn. There were hammers and nails lying out, and one of the stalls had already been dismantled.

It was my third day on the Phandindaeng farm. There was always work to do, but the rain had ceased and the sky seemed brighter than in a long time. So I cleaned the red ants off my rented bicycle and rode into town.

The first friend I met on the sunny broadway was Karol, fresh out of the pharmacy with bandages for his cut up leg. The injury had kept him from tubing, but he told me all the news of the “crazy night” a night before, which I will not repeat here!

I went to Le Jardin Organique and waded through the water that had filled in the yard under the guesthouse. Neinke was on the porch checking her laundry and gave me a warm Dutch Hallo Jon!

“I can’t believe it, but I really enjoyed it that night. I danced, I loved it.”

“Wow, so you’re a real buckethead now. I mean, you like the lifestyle?”

“Well…”

“Maybe one night a year.”

“Yeah, maybe one night every five years.”

They all asked me how the farm is, and I said, “Oh it’s nice, quiet,” a little sheepish for having missed this amazing night. After I mentioned the organic food, we decided to go to Phandindaeng for breakfast.

This food is something I should have mentioned: it was really delicious. Fresh baguettes cracked apart with the slightest pressure and steamed up a delicious smell. Delicious omelettes cooked with fresh tomatoes and cucumbers, shakes made from new mulberries, and strong-flavored goat cheese fried with herbs in the Greek style. The curries were delicious and filling, the tofu perfect and crispy-edged, the satay coated with spicy-sweet peanut sauce, and for desert there was sticky rice marinated in coconut milk (the Laotian version of rice pudding) and served with sliced mango. They were not complicated ingredients, but the freshness of the ingredients and some Western sense of cooking, imparted by whatever farang owned the place, made it the best food I had in Southeast Asia.

Lars, Remy, and Neinke stared in mouth-watered wonder when the plates were served and the bread broken. When it was eaten, we walked downstream to the rope swing bar, the First Cataract of the Nam Song.

The river had risen up to touch the toes of the platforms, and the two Laotians who threw out the rope to passing tubists had to haul hard to bring them in. One was a mute, but he would constantly make this terrible noise to ward off those in danger of floating in too close to the platform and crashing into the pylons.

We sat around a table with a few beers and watched the farang jump off the trapeze. They started on a platform high in a tree and swung down over the river, releasing with varying degrees of skill and courage. There was a sign on the ladder up that said, “Please buy a drink before you swing!” What a safe regulation! Above us on the platform there was a line of people waiting to jump, a trembling line of legs.

Remy said, “Look at that girl. She has a nice ass. Man.” Remy left, and when he came back he added, “Her face is not so good.”

“You went to check?” asked Lars.

“Yeah.”

“She really likes the swing,” I said. “Here she goes again.”

We all looked up at the platform where she was standing, and Remy commented hazily, “Yeah, it’s only her ass I like.”

The tubists jumped and waved in the air, kicked their legs in a farce of running, or just fell screaming on the downswing. Some acrobats did flips or hung onto the trapeze by their legs before going face first into the brown water. Sometimes they passed right over the heads of some tubists, who waved their arms and cried, “Don’t fall!”

“Why all the tricks?” Remy wondered. “They always hit the water sideways and don’t get very high. All you have to do is this,” and he started thrusting his hips forward and back. “It’s the most natural thing in the world. Just do this and you move much faster. What’s so hard about it?”

When Remy went, he did get very high. Lars and I also went off the swing, and I found it terrifying. We sat on the edge of the platform where the bar was, turning our heads back and forth with the path of the trapeze.

The two Laotians threw out a rope with a small lifeguard’s ring on the end to haul in those who had jumped. Sometimes they missed and the poor fallen had to float downstream. Once a girl tumbled in, and when she came back up the Laotians got the ring around her neck. We all cackled like maniacs. We cried, “They lassoed her!”

After a while we walked down to the Second Cataract, where some Americans were playing beer pong, then we headed back to the farm. There was a black and gray wall of cloud sweeping down the valley from the south that we had to outrun, and we made it just in time, just as the downpour started again.

We had more curries, satays, and mulberry shakes for dinner, and talked about our plans. I would go back north to Luang Prabang to retrieve my Chinese visa, then head to the mysterious country of Cathay. Remy and Neinke would head south to the Four-Thousand Islands of the Mekong, and Lars and Karol would join them. The four left the next morning, and we arranged to meet that night for a last beer.

I showered and washed some clothes, then road into town with the last of the twilight, because it had stopped raining momentarily and because I did not trust the Laotian drivers. I had a coffee and arrived at Le Jardin so much on time that Lars remarked on my German punctuality.

Well at Sunset Village I toasted them all, and I said farewell, with handshakes for the men and a hug for Neinke, then rode off into the night.

Of Vang Vieng there remains one story to be told: that of an accident! I began working the very next morning to help Hom Singh in the goat barn. I much preferred swinging a hammer to milking an udder.

On the second day of this, I helped to pry out the old rotted boards of the ramp that led up to the barn. It would not last the rainy season and had to be rebuilt. Hom Singh was up inside and I was down below, working with hammer and crowbar. Some of the boards were still usable, and I took out the nails and piled them in a shed, and the rest we hauled to a pile near the pig pen to be burned.

One of the Belgian girls, Tatiana, came out and wondered what I was doing, and one of the farmhands started hitting on her in the desperate, say-something approach of the Oriental, as I helped Hom Singh crowbar out the last two planks of the top of the ramp: both five feet in length and stuck together tightly. One was so spiked with rusty nails that it resembled a medieval weapon. We heaved and tugged at them until they both fell loose, separated, and the medieval mace fell squarely onto my sandaled foot. It fell aside in short order, leaving two punctures and a dull ache.

I stood there staring at the freeflow of blood with a grim acceptance.

“I think you should clean it,” said the Belgian girl.

“I think I should get a tetanus shot,” I replied.

Well Hom Singh had leaped out of the barn and was running around, and his wife appeared with a bottle of iodine to dump on my foot, and a whole crowd of Laotian farmhands had appeared out of nowhere. In the midst of this troop I hobbled over to the hose to rinse the blood off. Hom Singh packed the wound with leaves and said it would be okay, pointing at similarly earned scars on his own foot.

“Hom Singh, no, I need to go to the hospital.”

Hom Singh drove me on his motorbike. The nurses cleaned out the twin wounds and insisted on stitching up the holes, a procedure for which they charged $10 per stitch, and which not only did nothing to help the wound from healing, but probably lengthened its infection by trapping in the dirt and grime, for which I was taking antibiotics. They wrapped it up so my leg resembled a golf putter, gave me a tetanus shot and sent me on my way.

At night, after dinner, Hom Singh came over and we talked in a mixture of loud pidgin English and charades difficult to describe, but the substance of the exchange was this:

“I don’t like these hospitals,” the Laotian related,—“they charge foreigners too much. When I stepped on a nail, I put the juice of a green papaya in the wound and everything came out. It was very painful. Then I closed it with a very hot rock. That was also painful.”

“It’s a good idea, Hom Singh, but I really don’t want to get an infection.”

“Don’t worry, I’m sure they won’t cut your foot off. That is ridiculous. But here is some money to cover the expense of the hospital bill, which was too much.”

“Hom Singh, I couldn’t accept. It was an accident. And besides, I have insurance.”

“No, please, I dropped the board. Please take it. And don’t say anything.”

“Alright,” I said, wondering in a sigh how to deal with this Asian dignity and honor,—“Thanks.”

Across the Mekong

You burn in the Mekong
To prove your worth,
Go long, go long,
Right over the edge of the earth.

—Joanna Newsom

It took all day on a certain Saturday to bus from Chiang Mai to Chiang Khong, a Golden Triangle town alongside the Mekong. A Thai woman was waiting at the bus station with a pick-up truck to take arriving farang to an enterprising guesthouse, the Ban Fai, run by a strangely-accented old Floridan and his Thai wife, aka The Boss; and I went there with two aspiring English teachers from British Columbia and two Dutch students.

We all dined there as well, on a balcony over the Mekong, looking across to the lights of Huay Xai in Laos, and the two Netherlanders, Remy and Neinke, invited me to sit with them. Over dishes of rice and Thai curries, we spoke of Holland and America, our systems of education and welfare, and our sports passions. Remy finished off Neinke’s meal, saying, “It’s very good to travel with her. I always get extra food.”

They both spoke excellent English, like most Dutch—though Remy’s deteriorated with his second bottle of beer, so that Neinke, a pretty blonde girl, would look at me and laugh. The three of us had relocated to the comfortable chairs inside the guesthouse, and Remy went to the computer there several times to make sure the Dutch football team had no injuries or hiccups, because the World Cup final was tomorrow, and the Netherlands would play Spain.

“I wish I could be in Amsterdam for it,” said Remy, “but I don’t know. Man. If we win, it would be so great. If we lose, it’s okay. I’ll take off my orange shirt, I’ll be in Laos. You know some Dutch people wear a white shirt under their orange one, so they can walk home without some drunk Brit saying, ‘Hey you lost!’ If we lose it’s okay. Holland will drink for a few days, then start thinking about next year.”

Now the Dutch and the Spanish are both frenzied for football. The Dutch march in orange armies and watch the games in city squares or bars, and they drink and fist-pump and fight in the streets. The Spanish turn the lights off and listen to music on their bed when a game is on, lest they be carried away by sentiment. Otherwise they watch the game on television at home, shouting at the screen and the mothers of the team, alone with their triumph or their sorrow.

Remy checked the football news at least three times that night, to make sure none of the heroes of Holland had suffered an injury, and he celebrated at least one injury on the Spanish team. He checked again in the morning, rising early to ease his worry on the day of the final game.

To cross into Laos, the traveler reads a book while waiting for the Thai border guards to get their act together, is stamped out of the country, pays his fee of $15 per day of overstay, and is shuffled onto a skiff and carried across the Mekong to the Houay Xai docks. There he buys a Laos visa, $30 for Europeans, $35 for Americans, and Canadians pay much more for some reason.

Houay Xai was a small provincial town of five blocks, a few guesthouses and restaurants, and the county hospital. The change in atmosphere could be felt immediately: no climate shift, but a sea change in the way people lived, towards the clear-skied serenity, warm goodwill, and muggy laziness that characterizes the Laotians.

The two Vancouverites went off to find the slow boat to Luang Prabang, and I went with Remy and Neinke to the Friendship Guesthouse, woke the innkeeper, who was perpetually asleep in front of the television, and got a triple room for 75,000 kip (about $9).

I went down the street to a dim Internet cafe and was there reading my messages when a burly and mustachioed Alaskan came in to Skype some friend of his. In the loud and worn-out voice of a habitual shouter, he described a motorcycle trip he had taken with his haggard wife:

“It’s fucking nuts here, man. I mean, we were driving in the middle of fucking nowhere [laughter like a dying engine], and we spill like five times. I normally spill maybe a little, but five fucking times we spill, the roads are so fucking horrible. I’ve never seen anything like it. It’s so third world here, it’s insane. We’re out in the fucking jungle, and the roads have all these fucking steep switchbacks, like, man! [More wheezing laughter.] Yeah, yeah, I have a two-fifty CC Honda. You know anything more than one-fifty is illegal here? It’s fucking nuts. It’s worse here than that trip we had in India!”

I told the Netherlanders about this husky Alaskan when we met for lunch at a small restaurant. We sat at a shaded table out on the dirt road, with sandwiches and bottles of Laotian beer.

The Laotians learned to make and appreciate baguettes, cheese, and coffee from the French colonists, who ruled the landlocked country for 150 years. They still call foreigners farang, from their word for the Gauls. Before these colonial days, Laos existed as a kingdom for 400 years, known as Lan Xang, the Land of a Million Elephants; and after the French were overthrown, so was the constitutional monarchy. The communists took over, and the Americans added Laos to her lists of Vietnam War villains.

In what is known now as the Secret War, US bombers dropped more ordnance on Laos than was spent in the whole of the Second World War, making little Laos the most bombed country in the world. By either some favor or some curse, a fourth of the bombs failed to explode. Children generally find these and tear them open to sell the scrap metal.

These days the Lao People’s Democratic Republic is as communist as the People’s Republic of China and reached that point after much of the same trials and tribulations. A few Laotians are rich, and many are very poor rural workers, living in the jungle or along the Mekong, the life of the country, and tellingly controlled by the country where it springs—China.

Well we sat in the room during the hot afternoon, watching cheesy Chinese music videos and HBO, and after dusk we went out to eat. I saw in the road Karol the German and said Hello, remarking on the earth’s diminutive span. He was with another Saxon, Lars of Rostock, a tacit and friendly fellow with a bald head, who had been half-coerced into drinking a large glass of Lào-Láo rice wine, the local moonshine. It had not made him blind, but Lars was not entirely in command of his mind, as we had dinner and coffee at a small outdoor restaurant. He changed his order several times, so that we thought he might end up with Chinese noodles and spaghetti sauce in pork broth.

Thus some time passed in our long wait for the game; then Lars said, “Alright, I need a beer or I’m going to fall asleep. Shall we go to a bar?” Dwn the only road in Houay Xai we came to Bar How?, and there was a projector and a screen out front. We settled in with an older Norwegian and talked and drank beers and smoked cigarettes to keep the nerves down as we endured the long hours until the small hour of 1:30.

We talked about travel and where we would go. Karol and Lars, who I called Larry, were going to take a bus to Luang Prabang, and Neinke, Remy and I wanted to take the slow boat down the Mekong. We talked nonsense and asked Neinke to let her hair down, and when she did with a commercial flourish half the table was staring at her. Lars looked around and muttered, “Oh man.”

Over another round of beers, the Norwegian said the following:

“If they’re looking for a super-human man, to collect genes from and use for science, they need to get Iggy Pop. He’s been at it for forty years. He’s sixty years old, and he still gets up there, high and hammered, and he fucking plays [finger-picking in the air] four-hour shows, with his shirt off, and he still looks fit. He sings. He still stage dives. Iggy jumped off the stage in London a few months back. Everyone stepped away, and he landed on his face. Sixty years old. Got right up and kept on with the show. It’s unreal. He’s had a hard life. A run-in with heroine, with coke. Now it’s all booze, but he still looks fit. You look at those guys from Rolling Stones, Richards and Jagger, and they all look like wrecks. They sound like shit. They should! Iggy Pop, he’s sixty-years-old, and he’s still great. He’s superman.”

The place began to fill in around us with orange, though not all of them were Dutch, and there were two Spaniards seated in the back with a silent yearning, a glimmer of hope, as the Dutch cried outtheir anthem in tune with the African orchestra—and the kick-off! The game began!

The Netherlands was hard-pressed, those underdogs, but they fended off an aggressive Spain in the first half. The field evened out. It could have gone either way. The Dutch stared when the Dutch Eleven came close; they shouted at the English referee and turned to an English spectator: “You stupid English, you’re ruining the game!” They screamed in pain at missed chances and sighed in relief when Spain slipped up; and they passed ninety minutes in absolute terror and unrelieved suspense.

“I just want someone to score,” they said,—“I don’t care if it’s Spain. It can’t go to shoot-outs. It would be so—what else?”

But it was Spain that scored at the end of the extra time. Utter dejection swept across Bar How? The Dutch lingered, stared at images of foreign victory, and passed stoically through the stages of grief until they had accepted it. Or they stormed away in anger.

I left withmmy friends, returned to the Friendship Guesthouse and woke up the innkeeper. Neinke collapsed on her bed, and Remy was full of drunken energy, perhaps relieved to miss the Amsterdam party now not to be.

“So you like that bald German guy?” Remy said to Neinke, for they had been friends long enough for him to infuriate her as an older brother would.

“Who, Larry?”

“I like both of them,” said Neinke.

“You going to hook up in Luang Prabang?”

“I hope we meet both of them in Luang Prabang.”

“I thought you said you hate German guys.”

“What are you talking about?”

“You were talking to him a lot. Putting beer labels on his arm like hmmm.”

“So? I’m going to bed.”

“She likes Larry, huh?”

“Yeah man, definitely.”

“Shut up!”

“We’re not talking to you!”

“You’re talking about me!”

“Go to sleep!”

“I’m going to punch you in the face!”

Remy woke up at 8:30 to reserve boat tickets. He came back at nine and said, “Guys, I got bad news. We have twenty minutes to get to BAP Guesthouse.” I said, with typical morning aptitude, “What? Fuck,” and Neinke added, “Are you serious?”

We asked no more questions, but silently packed our bags, quickly brushed our teeth, and were at the rendevous and down near the boat docks with enough time to buy sandwiches for breakfast and lunch. In accordance with a phenomenon known as Laos Time, our fully-boarded boat did not depart until eleven. It was a two-day voyage, with an overnight in a village called Pak Beng, and the longboat was packed with a strange menagerie of farang, a true cast of characters, perhaps forty in number, which we observed from nailed-down car chairs on the periphery.

There was a tatooed man chattering in American. There was a Spaniard, broad-shouldered as a gladiator, who was wearing no trousers, only boxer shorts, and eventually he took his shirt off as well and strolled up and down the boat in his underwear. He would tryst between the benches with his tiny girlfriend, who was half his size and weight, so that we could not help but wonder about the physics of their love. They had two big rollerbags and a backpack, and he carried them all while she smirked in the lead, with all the pride of the owner of a blue ribbon ox.

This compact Ecuadorian woman who, satyr-like, bore the massive waist and thighs of a much larger woman—she marched up and down the central aisle on some self-appointed mission, sometimes exhorting other passengers in all Babel’s tongues, sometimes haranguing her husband, a mild Canadian who had met her when she was a travel agent in Quito—“Robert take a picture of that! Oh look at that! There were rocks in the river Robert! Keep your backpack there! No, you’ll break it, Robert! God you’re so uptight!”—while her two sons, teenagers in long-haired rebellion, laughed at her receeding back.

There was a Chinese tourist sitting in front of Remy who, with that forensic attitude of the East Asian, would photograph repeatedly every passing curiosity. Remy made a game of it—for when the world is too bleakly black for man, man laughs, and by a game man turns annoy into joy. The Dutchman would spot some strange rock in the current, some fisherman in a boat, some naked savage swimming by the shore, a cliff, a tall tree, a beautiful view, and would guess how many seconds would pass before the Chinaman snapped the item up in his long-lens and large-sensor. In this way, Remy passed the hours with his sanity intact.

For the seven hour voyage, I sat next to a Hong Kong woman I’d run into in Burma and Thailand (and reportedly slept on her shoulder), read my book, wrote in a notepad, and looked out at the long world of the river—the wide rushing Mekong, heavy from rain, a rumble of engine, a rush of wind, a sleet-gray sky breaking up under the midday heat to strips of blue, oceans of blue. The hills sloped up from sandy banks, bearing young shoots and old pines and red-blossomed Flame of the Forest. You can imagine that there is no world, nothing beyond those hills: There is only this river under green shores and blue skies with variable weather, the birthplaces of mountain springs, the gallows of the granite shoals; the river, going south with a steady current, no matter how it seems to twist and narrow, roughen and smooth, with lively towns on the banks or strands of lonely solitude; a river always flows, always quests for ocean, until it reaches an unavoidable, unaccountable end at the everlasting sea, returning to the source of it all, and realizing there a world unimagined.

Around six we arrived in Pak Beng, a little town of guesthouses hanging from a hill over the west bank of the river. Dozens of longboats were moored there, and the steep and muddy bank was crowded with the envoys of the inns—men and women shouting about beds and their proximity to the docks and their views of the river. Remy, Neinke and I got our bags, waited for the crowd to clear out, then haggled out a good deal from one of the innkeepers and followed him to his little hotel. The three of us remarked on more strange travelers around the town. At the restaurant across the road, where I slurped a stew of water buffalo and coconut milk, there were bubbly Seattleites, demanding Germans, and this pompous Floridan who wanted to bargain for everything.

“Okay,” he was saying to the poor waiter, as his guests, another brash American and two polite French girls, watched on,—“Okay, so we take four BeerLao, eight-thousand kip each, and we get a free fish. I want a good fish, you know, not some crap fish.”

This went on for a long time, long enough for Remy to start muttering about it, and finally to turn around and say, “You know you don’t usually bargain in restaurants. The prices are set. They’re on the menu. And it’s only like a few cents.”

The Floridan tried to defend his rude ways, but we ignored him. An old Laotian came around with a bottle of homemade Lào-Láo, stuffed full of roots and leaves, which he poured into a small cup for us. It tasted foul and made us more than drunk.

“I like all the different travelers you see,” Remy remarked,—“there’s us, with just five weeks here. There’s you, gone for years with a tiny backpack full of books. There’s that Florida guy, being an asshole and arguing with everyone over a few cents, and that crazy lady on the boat shouting at her husband and marching up and down taking pictures, and all those tourists with their huge bags, and the old people with hiking shoes and socks and big hats, all their adventure gear—and us with our flip-flops and no idea where to go.”

“It’s better that way,” I said, amused.

In the morning Pak Beng was just like any other town. Tables of chopped meat and fresh vegetables crowd the little market. The stall-owners pull the boards out from the open entryways. Bells chime in the Buddhist temple, looking down on the sun rising over the Mekong. Then the tourists all wake up and shuffle down to their longboats, bearing sandwiches and water bottles, and the boats leave two hours after schedule.

We had a much smaller boat for this second run, another seven hours downriver to Luang Prabang. It was small and cramped as a slave ship, and the three of us sat against the walls in the front, eventually crammed in there by luggage and other passengers, as the whole of the boat was by the same. There was no room for the Ecuadorian march (though I afterwards heard complaints about her from the aft of the ship), but the improved scenery made up for the lack of entertaining passengers. Karst cliffs rose steeply out of the water, in high ridges and mid-current formations, and there were fishermen in the eddies and forests on the top. Thatch villages were set in the crooks of rolling hillscapes. The sun was bright and the air smelt fresh and cool, and in the afternoon we came to the docks of Lao’s old colonial capital.

Luang Prabang was geographically a little like San Francisco, in that the oldest and nicest quarter of town was confined and compressed on a slivered peninsula, formed by the final twist of the river Nam Khan on its winding way to join the mighty Mekong, which flowed past the city’s western side. This narrow peninsula was a theme park of French architecture, bars, bakeries, tourist agencies, and guesthouses, ringed by riverfront esplanades, bisected by alleys, and penning in a few forgotten temples between the well-kept colonial townhouses. Only four streets ran up the city, including those that followed the twin rivers.

On the inside end of the peninsula, there was a steep altar of a hill called Phu Si, with trees on the slopes and a Wat Tham on the narrow top, but nobody ever went up there, except the monks, because it was too hot. The Royal Palace stood across from this hill, and the street between hosted a night market, erected around sunset, which became more annoying the more you traversed it. Traffic was reduced to two skinny lines between the three rows of stalls, all selling the same things—blankets, art, trinkets, and nick-nacks. A low roof of interconnected red tarpaulins enforced a bent posture, and cooing Thais and travel-planned Westerners constantly obstructed the flow of the lanes.

Now turn right on the southern end of this gauntlet, into an alleyway lit up like a stage—a steaming, reeking, crowded and noisesome alley—and there was the food market, a much more delightful place. Outside the alley there were sandwich stalls with piles of baguettes, and if you said “Laos style” they’ll fill them with chicken and tofu and pork skin and chili sauce, as well as a few vegetables, for $1; and there were fruit shake stands and ice coffee stands, who sweetened the deal with a diabetic dose of condensed milk.

The alley itself was first lined with tables of regional delights: Mekong riverweed, fried fish in banana leaves, papaya salad, and cold, crisp spring rolls—then a few barbeque grills smoked up chicken and fish, and finally several buffets served Laos dishes from great tureens, for $1 a plate. There were picnic tables all along for diners, mostly farang, to sit, and the lane between all this was wide enough for maybe two peole to walk abreast. There were usually three.

On our way to the market, the two Dutch and I met Lars and Karol, whose twelve-hour bus had taken seventeen, and had been full of vomiting Laotians. We gorged ourselves on sandwiches, papaya salad, and fried food, washed down with the excellent BeerLao, and went down to a bar in the old French Quarter. Lars brought out his plastic bottle of stupefying Lào-Láo, and we made a good time of it, closing the bar at the late hour of eleven.

The next day the five of us, along with a Quebecois named Charles and another Dutchman named Luuk, set out to go to the Kouangxi Waterfalls, about an hour out of town. The broadway of Luang Prabang was lined with tuk-tuk drivers all selling the same thing, “Hey waterfall, waterfall?” except at night when they say, “Ganja? You want ganja?” We all walked down this thoroughfare after breakfast, talking to each and trying to haggle.

Now there was some rule limiting the tuk-tuks to a maximum of six farang passengers, and we exceeded that maximum by one. At great length, we accepted one driver, who had been following us down the road and parking along our intended path, for some amount per person. He was a frog-faced Laotian, sweating profusely, half-crazed on jaba and Red Bull, who drove around in a circle, shouting at people, parking in the road and trying to get one of us to go in a different tuk-tuk, but that was not the deal. At the police register he apparently wanted us to pay for the waterfall tickets through him—“Waterfall, no pay! I pay!”—and was enraged when we refused. He paid the police the seven-man fine, then left us with another driver, a kindly old man, professional and sober, who drove us back to the register and paid the fine a second time, before driving out to Kouangxi.

Thus we came to the waterfalls, which were exceedingly beautiful—the jungle, the walkways, the falls, the pools so pristinely blue, and girls walking all over in bikinis. My friends and I went up past several swimming pools to the main fall, which was so perfectly tropical, so picturesque, it appeared to be man-made. Some wooden stairs led up to the top of this high cascade. Following the advice of some Aussies, we left the stair at the top, going right on a wet and pathless slope slick with algae, past the sign that said “DO NOT SWIMMING,” and up a rolling waterfall, passing our bags up to the agile Remy before climbing ourselves, until we made our way onto a sort of terraced ledge at the very top of the fall. There was a wide pool like a basin, deep enough to jump into, that poured over onto the ponds far below, blue and beautiful.

After an hour in that paradise, we climbed back down to the wooden stair and returned to our tuk-tuk driver, joking and laughing all the way back to Luang Prabang.

The next day I invited an American girl, Lauren of Boston, to come breakfast with us at the Scandinavian Bakery in the French Quarter. Lauren’s speech when I met her included the same exclamations of exaggerated surprise—“Wow! Amazing! Ohmygod!”—that Remy and Neinke had charicatured for Americans. This made me more attached to her in a way, like yeah, this is American and I’m American so fuck you. I am commonly mistaken for being Dutch or German, and commonly told, “But you’re not a real American,” and told that real Americans talk in a nasally drone of metallic vowels and constantly say, “That’s awesome!”

Lauren was a real American, or rather a real New Englander. She went to an East Coast college where the students can attend class in the nude, was critical of American policies, and had been teaching English in a town in China called Qufu, the famed birthplace of Confucious. I asked her all about China, since I was excited about going there, and I planned to go to Qufu as well.

Well that day Laren went to the waterfalls, Remy slept and watched movies on an iPod, Lars and Neinke rode bikes out into the countryside and returned sunburned and happy, Karol did his thing, Luuk and Charles were leaving, and I went all over town to arrange a Chinese visa; and that night I was delighted to have two real Americans join us for dinner—Lauren and a Texan from Dalles named Bonner Dobbs. We sat by the Nam Khan drinking beer and talking about America, surprising the Europeans by the revelation that yes, we did all have guns at home. And then we went to a big terraced bar called Laos Laos and sat there until it closed.